Sad beans.
Embarking on this adventure called college has proved to be anything but predictable. And while I knew I wouldn’t know what to expect, there were definitely things that I didn’t expect to be unexpected.(?) In other words, I had no idea what college life would be like, but one thing I wasn’t prepared to have change was my life back at home.
Coming home during school breaks has been a source of comfort and familiarity for me. While away at school I desperately miss this place I call home. Returning once again has a calming effect on my nerves. However, that security is thrown off kilter when there are things that I don’t recognize in my own town; when I go to the church that I have attended since I was 4 years old, and half of the people I don’t even recognize. My siblings talk about friends whose names I don’t know. That genuinely bothers me. My brother has basketball practices that I can’t watch. My sister is playing in her first piano recital and I’m not going to be there. My baby brother is suddenly taller than I am. I long to be there for my siblings – my family – in times of need. And I have this ache I’ve never felt before. A feeling of being left out of my own life - of things going on as normal, without me.
Is this what everyone experiences when they first leave home? Certainly no one has ever told me about it. Honestly, I am at a loss as to how I should handle my situation. Should I leave the things of my past behind and move on to boldly embrace my future? Stop dwelling in the past? Perhaps I should attempt to be a part of both worlds: the one called college and the one called home. Or perhaps I should give up an out-of-state college so that I can live at home and be able to sustain all of my relationships. I am deeply saddened when I realize that many friends are now only acquaintances, some acquaintances have fell off the face of the planet, and the people that have replaced them are random individuals I have never seen before. I don’t know, maybe I’m just being overly dramatic. Perhaps it's hormones. Maybe that bean burrito did it.....
Coming home during school breaks has been a source of comfort and familiarity for me. While away at school I desperately miss this place I call home. Returning once again has a calming effect on my nerves. However, that security is thrown off kilter when there are things that I don’t recognize in my own town; when I go to the church that I have attended since I was 4 years old, and half of the people I don’t even recognize. My siblings talk about friends whose names I don’t know. That genuinely bothers me. My brother has basketball practices that I can’t watch. My sister is playing in her first piano recital and I’m not going to be there. My baby brother is suddenly taller than I am. I long to be there for my siblings – my family – in times of need. And I have this ache I’ve never felt before. A feeling of being left out of my own life - of things going on as normal, without me.
Is this what everyone experiences when they first leave home? Certainly no one has ever told me about it. Honestly, I am at a loss as to how I should handle my situation. Should I leave the things of my past behind and move on to boldly embrace my future? Stop dwelling in the past? Perhaps I should attempt to be a part of both worlds: the one called college and the one called home. Or perhaps I should give up an out-of-state college so that I can live at home and be able to sustain all of my relationships. I am deeply saddened when I realize that many friends are now only acquaintances, some acquaintances have fell off the face of the planet, and the people that have replaced them are random individuals I have never seen before. I don’t know, maybe I’m just being overly dramatic. Perhaps it's hormones. Maybe that bean burrito did it.....
posted by AJ at
Friday, March 13, 2009
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