I am the silent distraught.
Difficulties -
I hold them tightly within.
Fear -
To let go would erase
my sense of control.
Control -
My own fabrication.
I am my own confidante.
Worry -
Surely all have their troubles,
enough weight without mine.
Sarcasm -
An insecure façade.
Smile –
Both genuine and pretense.
I am the formidable insecure.
I sat on a hard wooden pew in a dimly-lit cathedral. The immense doors were propped open to welcome the people of Seattle accompanied by a chill evening breeze. I watched as people found a place to sit in the pews, on the stage, or lining the sides on the hard concrete floor. They had come to this Catholic cathedral for the same reason that I had: to listen to the beauty of acapella bounce off the vaulted ceiling. The singing monks of St. Mark's Cathedral attracted all kinds of people. Some entered with an air of confidence while some tip-toed to a back pew and quietly sunk to their seat. Couples spread blankets on the ground and lay next to each other with a view of the lofty ceiling. One young man with a full beard and multiple facial piercings sat amongst others on the stage and assumed the cross-legged position of contemplation.
While waiting for the monks to enter, I pulled "The Red Book" from the back of the pew in front of me. Filled with hymns, psalms, and liturgies, this hard-bound book kept my interest for several minutes. One particular thing I noticed was the categories that the songs were placed in. Some of them were:
Praise to God, Jesus Christ our Lord, The Holy Spirit, The Church, and
The Christian Life. I was struck by a thought that perhaps whoever assembled this book thought that these types of songs needed differentiation; that "Praise to God" was categorically separate from "The Christian Life". While I understand that Catholicism has a different view of the trinity than I do as a charismatic Christian, it still intrigued me. How many times have I been guilty of pulling out my "normal life" box while placing my relationship with God in a box that I label "Faith"? It's so easy to switch from one mindset to the other without realizing that they should coexist.
As the monks robed in white sang reverent songs of praise, the simplistic notes - sometimes united in melody, other times divided into dramatic harmonies - sent chills up my spine. Regardless of how these Catholic monks perceived their Creator, the music they sang evoked emotions of awe and gratitude deep within me. I glanced at those around me and wondered if they too, knew how much God had given for them, and how deep was his longing to be actively involved in their lives. How many of them had come, like me, simply to hear great music? How many of them perceived a Sunday night worship service merely as something to check off the list of weekly tasks? Sitting on that uncomfortable pew among several hundred fellow listeners, with a large glass window in front and pipe organ in back, I knew without doubt that God should not be placed in a box, written on a list, or even confined to a church building. My God was too grandiose.
When I am old enough to feel old....
...I want to freely discuss my mistakes with my family and close friends.
....I want to sit down with a friend who I haven't seen in over twenty years, and be able to laugh at old stories of foolishness.
...I want to have the sense of humor to still laugh at myself.
....I want to look back at my past and know that every time I fell, no matter how hard, I grabbed a helping hand and got back up again.
...I want to still be undeniably sure of the fact that God is with me during every stage of my life - even the times when He seems to be silent.
I feel as though I'll only be mature when I realize that I'm not. I'll never be rid of moments of loneliness until I realize that human relationships were never meant to be all-fulfilling. There will always be seasons where I am meant to be with God, and work only on my relationship with him.
I will never find myself beautiful until I realize that I am made in the image of the exquisite God, and to call myself anything less is to demean my Creator.
I will never feel as though I have anything to contribute to the people in my life until I realize that I never had anything to begin with.
I will never find joy if I never pursue it.
Contentment isn't something I will suddenly happen upon one day. It's something I must choose. I must be cautious of when and with what I choose to be content.
No matter the number of times I settle for it, mediocrity will never be comfortable. It's only easier.
I've never heard of easy work as being successful. Only of it being easy.
Hard work is never easy. Don't expect to achieve anything without working your butt off and giving up things that you want.
In order to comprehend complex ideas and concepts, I must first grasp the simple.
If I suggest to someone how they ought to improve, I certainly should be either firmly established in that area myself, or share upfront that I'm working on it as well.
While I am young enough to feel young....
...I want to take advantage of my youth, pursue the things that matter, and realize that God's timing, for
everything, is perfect.
The other day someone shared some words of encouragement with me, and said I had "so much to offer" to others. I was having a rather grumpy day, and my first response was a laugh that I kept to myself. For nearly two days I pondered exactly what it was that I had to offer. In my relationships with other people, whether family or friends, was I a "giver" or a "taker"? In most aspects of my life, I find that my problem is being over-generous, either to the embarrassment of the other person, or to the point that I spend my money unwisely. But when it comes to relationships, I don't even know whether or not I "take" too much from others. (In retrospect, I also find it very humorous that I have internal monologues with myself about my social habits.)
Finally, after spending far too much time worrying about what this person had said, I had an epiphany. (Don't ever say something to me and forget to mention the fact that it's a joke. I tend to over-analyze most every conversation.) I was sitting in church, still rather bothered by what I had to offer to other people in my life. I had come up with a few cheesy things, but why did that make me good friend material? Then it hit me. Actually, Ethan hit me. But the epiphany came pretty close to the same time. I realized that the entire reason that I would even want to gain new friends and strengthen the relationships that I already have, is not because of what either of us has to give to the other. It's because of what God gives each of us; whether it's life stories, the ability to extend grace, or the general desire to be in a community with others. I am nothing without Christ, remember? *hits myself on the forehead* Duh! I'm rather frustrated with how elementary some of my conclusions are. Apparently I need to be reminded of basic things. Part of life I suppose. Some things won't stick until they get hit into you. It's likely that I'll be covered in bruises by the time I'm thirty.
Have you ever had one of those moments where you're just overwhelmed by the wonders that make up your life? Have you ever had a sudden realization of how, despite the negative, there are so many positive blessings in life? I find it interesting that when these sporadic moments pop into my life, it's usually accompanied with a time of difficulty. It's when I feel that the world is about to run me over, when I feel completely helpless, that I see the good. Isn't it ironic that the times when I feel helpless are usually the most help-FUL? When I realize that I can do nothing within my power to change my circumstances, it is then that I see how much faith I have placed in myself and how futile that is. After placing my plans, goals, and dreams back in God's hands where they belong, I see amazing things happen. I see the people he has placed in my life that build me up and encourage me. I see His grace and beauty in the little things. I see his mercy in regards to my own life and choices.
After continually trying to figure out my life on my own, to no avail, each time I come back to the conclusion that I am nothing without my Savior. As harsh as that may sound to some people, it's an amazing conclusion to make. It takes all of the pressure to perform off my shoulders. All I need to do is surrender to God and trust that He will always know better than I do. This is no easy task, let me tell you. Forcing yourself to be dependent rather than self-determining is an insurmountable task. But it's a heck of a lot better than running my own life. Trust me.
I find myself wanting things I can’t have. There are times I wish my sister was closer to my age so we could have more meaningful conversations than the arguments we currently have about whether or not her clothes are coordinating. “Lexa, would you help me pick out clothes to wear today?” Of course I agree. After presenting my choice to her she wrinkles her nose and in a whiny face says “But that looks funny! It TOTALLY doesn’t match.” After nearly five years of arguing with her about clothes I’ve just about given up.
And, of course there are times I wish I had a few more siblings, just to make life more interesting. Boy would that be interesting indeed.
I also find myself impatient for things somewhere in the distant future. There are many times when I feel as though I can’t wait any longer to have my own children. I want to hold an infant in my arms and know that it’s a part of me. I want to be overwhelmed up to my ears in dirty diapers, sticky fingers, and a messy house. I want to be able to relieve my stress by laughing at the curiosity and idiosyncrasies of a toddler while consuming imaginary drinks that my daughter makes in her plastic toy kitchen.
I want to work as a nurse in a place where things are crazy-stressful. I want to give quality care to patients who need the emotional support just as much as the physical. I want to be the person in the background who takes care of the little things. I want patients to connect my name with that person who gave a smile and a few extra words of encouragement when needed.
As I sit here thinking towards the rather unforeseeable future, I realize that wishing and hoping doesn’t get me anywhere. Having goals and dreams is an excellent thing, don’t get me wrong. But even the things I feel that God has spoken into my life are quite meaningless unless I take action and do what needs to be done to get there. God has placed within me certain desires and longings, but they won’t instantaneously come to pass unless I get off my backside and do my part to fulfill his will for my life. Before I can help my patients, I have to get into a nursing program and pay for college. Before I can play one of Bach’s Concertos perfectly I need to practice piano scales and arpeggios on a daily basis. Instead of wishing for extra children in my life, I need to work more on pouring into my siblings.
Instead of being overwhelmed by everything that needs to be accomplished, I need to take it one step at a time. God tends to do more with the journeys in life than he does with the end results. I’m beginning to see that a little each day…
My amazing little bro Ethan now has his own blog. Go check it out!
http://ethanjessee.blogspot.com
