George the Third

Finally, after nearly two decades, I can admit that I struggle in commitment and in following through with things that are difficult. If something seems impossible, my first instinct is to let go and find something easier. I give up too quickly. I don’t know why it’s taken me this long to admit to it.

College. I’m attending this amazing school where I know God has called me for the time being. The odds against my finances are insurmountable. My first tendency is to say “Oh well. If the money isn’t there, then I guess I should go somewhere else. Screw this!” I let go and settle for something less than what God desires for me. After several conversations with people, it finally got through my thick skull that letting go when it gets difficult equates to giving up. Amazing revelation, isn’t it? Once I sat down and sorted it out on paper (free-writing has always been the best way for me to synthesize my jumbled thoughts), I realized that I was running away from circumstances that were out of my control. It didn’t seem logical for me to stay in a place where I was not able to guarantee that I could take care of things myself. I am incessantly in awe of how ridiculously daft I can be. After being raised in the church, after thousands of sermons and worship songs declaring that God is sovereign, that he is bigger than my circumstances, that he is always in control, I still don’t get it. What are a few thousand dollars in the perspective of the eternal creator? If I believe with all my heart that Jesus holds the whole world in his hands, then why in the name of George the Third do I act as though he can’t handle my predicaments? I am speechless. I have flabbergasted myself.

But I suppose that now I am finally having the epiphany that having trust in God is most definitely a daily task. Sure, I have asked him to take control of my life, but that doesn’t mean that I have let go of it. It’s like giving someone a gift that you secretly want to keep for yourself. As you place it into their hands you stall and grip onto it for as long as possible. Here God! I give you my life! But I still want to hold it too!
We can share.

Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. Am I the only one that struggles with this? I certainly hope not, or I may have to just give in to the lies of the enemy and start drinking decaf.