You can have me.

"If I saw you on the street
And you said "Come and follow me"
But I had to give up everything
All I once held dear and all of my dreams

Would I love you enough to let go?
Or would my love run dry
When you asked for my life?

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me,
Father of Love, you can have me.

You can have me.

If You're all You claim to be,
Then I'm not losing anything.
So I will crawl upon my knees
Just to know the joy of suffering

I will love You enough to let go.
Lord, I give You my life.

I give You my life.

I want to be where you are.
I'm running into your arms
And I will never look back
So Jesus, here is my heart."

-Sidewalk Prophets

Coffee. Coffee, COFFEE!
How I love thee so.
When all else has let me down,

You give my heart a go.

When I'm feeling sleepy,
You always wake me up.
Every moment when I rise,
I know that I am loved.

When I'm far away,
The times I need to roam,
All I need's a cup of you
To feel like I'm at home.

Coffee, coffee Coffee!!!
I thank God for you.
What more could a girl ask for
Than you! (and Jesus too).

2010

How fleeting these emotions are,

They trick my troubled heart;

I’m filled with joy I can’t contain,

To see it fall apart.

My heart’s too eager to accept

The love it’s waiting for,

And so instead accepts a fraud

Who’s broken down the door

In hastiness I find myself

Back from whence I came:

Sorrow-filled and all alone

With just a tinge of pain.

Though my head is still confused

As to what will be,

My heart is patient as it must,

I know in time I’ll see.

I know not why I trust in man,

This fickle human breed.

Full trust in God is all that counts.

Surely He is all I need.

"How Are You?"

(also from 2008)

My heart aches for someone close,
With whom I can share my heart;
I feel a desire to whisper secrets with one -
To know they are genuine

This world is so superficial.

I long to tell my dreams to one
Who will both hear and listen.
But I already know such a One.
Should I tell you about Him?

I don’t know.
You seem so superficial.

The voice inside my head convinces,
You won’t want to hear.
Why waste my time?
“I’m fine!” I reply.
  
I’m so superficial.

"One poor sonnet will kill it stone dead"

"I wonder who first discovered the power of poetry in driving away love."
"I thought poetry was the food of love?"
"Of a fine, stout love, it may. But if it is only a vague inclination I'm convinced one poor sonnet will kill it stone dead."
 -Pride and Prejudice (2005)

Many times my writing comes out in the form of poetry. Sometimes the lines rhyme and I find myself speaking in perfect iambic pentameter, and in other instances I find myself writing "freestyle" in a way that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I rarely share these poetic verses with anyone, partly because of my lack of confidence in my skill as a poet, and partly because I don't want to kill any friendships "stone dead" due to my terrible writing of verses. However, after going through several years' worth of poems, I came to the conclusion that some are meant to be shared. So I hope I don't kill off any "vague inclinations", and perhaps someone may even enjoy one of these that I hesitatingly call poems. I'll start with the earliest ones, and hopefully you'll notice that they improve a bit over time.

Here is one from 2008:

Friends may come, and friends may go.

Some leave quickly, Others slow

But by and by they all are part

Of what I am,

my piece of art,

necessities that fill my heart

Some only linger for a while

And it may only be their smile

That tells me who they really are-

They are my friend,

For me they care,

Even if a short time we share

But some friends stick like glue, you see

And many last eternally

They are the ones that mean the most

They’re always there,

Despite what goes.

They are the jam upon my toast.

But whether near or far or wide,

Right next door or across the tide,

Friends are what grow,

Teach, and love me.

They influence who I am becoming;

They put that warm feeling inside my tummy.

Carrots

Her frail, shrunken body looked so small in the wheelchair. A blue sweater lay across her hunched spine. Her frizzy red hair was peppered with white and grey, and her skin was decorated in spots of sun and age. Only speaking when spoken to, only eating when prompted, I sat beside her in my scrubs, urging her onward. Very slowly, deliberately, she moved the metal fork with her fingers and tried to skewer the food on her plate. The first poke proved futile. The second and third also resulted in failure. In her sunken eyes I could see slight frustration, armed with determination. On the fourth try, the fork punctured the carrot. In a slow and slightly shaky movement that seemed to last for eternity, she guided the fork up to her mouth. It seemed as though every centimeter required great energy and focus. With the fork turned sideways, the carrot seemed to be barely hanging on to the metal utensil. I wanted her to feel accomplished and to feed herself. So instead of helping her, I watched with my breath held and wished that all the forces in the world would keep the carrot from a shameful death by plummeting into the depths of the napkin below. Twenty seconds later the carrot had successfully arrived in her mouth. So much pride welled up in me, for this woman I hardly knew. I would have given her a bear hug if her petite frame could have handled the pressure. Instead I kissed her on the forehead, and said in a voice loud enough for her nearly deaf ears to hear me: “Good job! I knew you could do it!” After a few seconds to process, she slowly turned her head my direction. Her blue eyes that were usually clouded over, seemed, only for a moment, to light up as she smiled and mumbled “Thank you.” My heart overflowed.

I never would have thought that a small meal could be filled with so many emotions and so much love. Never before have I been so grateful to a carrot. Never before have I had experiences quite like these. These are the moments I cherish.

Discomfort

Due to major changes and shifts in my life the past 3 months, I have been terribly inconsistent with blogging. I left the incredible Seattle and have moved back to my beloved Idaho. My frantic searching to find a job has moved writing down to the bottom of my priorities list. (but praise God I now have a job!)

With all these changes I have felt in a constant state of upheaval. I have been frustrated with God for allowing so much change at once. College life had finally settled into a comfortable routine, I had made some amazing friends, and had fallen in love with Seattle. I had a good idea of how the next three or four years would come to pass.

I never would have admitted it then, but now I can see that I became complacent. I have always been one to find the road of least friction. Conflict and I do not get along well. As a result my impulse is to avoid anything uncomfortable. I had fallen into a routine - found my niche - and wasn't too worried about life. But by avoiding conflict and discomfort, I also bypassed many opportunities to grow. Settling for what I felt was satisfactory didn't allow for God's best.

So here I find myself, back in Idaho, away from the friends I had made, away from my comfort, yanked out of my "plan". I can't help but feel that all this was necessary to shake me a little, and remind me once again that I am not the one in control of my life.

It's been a difficult season of life, and I hesitate to think that it will ever become as easy and carefree as it once was. But life is not about ease, and it is not about comfort. Life is about growing, learning, and becoming. So instead of asking for security or serenity, I'm working on asking for grace - to grow from my discomfort. Learn from my failure. And become less of what I want, and more of what He wants.