Blurbs, Contemplations and Everday Words

You can have me.

2011-03-25T00:51:00.000-06:00

"If I saw you on the street
And you said "Come and follow me"
But I had to give up everything
All I once held dear and all of my dreams

Would I love you enough to let go?
Or would my love run dry
When you asked for my life?

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me,
Father of Love, you can have me.

You can have me.

If You're all You claim to be,
Then I'm not losing anything.
So I will crawl upon my knees
Just to know the joy of suffering

I will love You enough to let go.
Lord, I give You my life.

I give You my life.

I want to be where you are.
I'm running into your arms
And I will never look back
So Jesus, here is my heart."

-Sidewalk Prophets

2011-01-24T20:53:00.000-07:00

Coffee. Coffee, COFFEE!
How I love thee so.
When all else has let me down,

You give my heart a go.

When I'm feeling sleepy,
You always wake me up.
Every moment when I rise,
I know that I am loved.

When I'm far away,
The times I need to roam,
All I need's a cup of you
To feel like I'm at home.

Coffee, coffee Coffee!!!
I thank God for you.
What more could a girl ask for
Than you! (and Jesus too).

2010

2011-01-05T09:37:00.001-07:00

How fleeting these emotions are,

They trick my troubled heart;

I’m filled with joy I can’t contain,

To see it fall apart.

My heart’s too eager to accept

The love it’s waiting for,

And so instead accepts a fraud

Who’s broken down the door

In hastiness I find myself

Back from whence I came:

Sorrow-filled and all alone

With just a tinge of pain.

Though my head is still confused

As to what will be,

My heart is patient as it must,

I know in time I’ll see.

I know not why I trust in man,

This fickle human breed.

Full trust in God is all that counts.

Surely He is all I need.

"How Are You?"

2011-01-04T21:37:00.004-07:00

(also from 2008)

My heart aches for someone close,
With whom I can share my heart;
I feel a desire to whisper secrets with one -
To know they are genuine

This world is so superficial.

I long to tell my dreams to one
Who will both hear and listen.
But I already know such a One.
Should I tell you about Him?

I don’t know.
You seem so superficial.

The voice inside my head convinces,
You won’t want to hear.
Why waste my time?
“I’m fine!” I reply.

I’m so superficial.

"One poor sonnet will kill it stone dead"

2011-01-04T13:58:00.001-07:00

"I wonder who first discovered the power of poetry in driving away love."
"I thought poetry was the food of love?"
"Of a fine, stout love, it may. But if it is only a vague inclination I'm convinced one poor sonnet will kill it stone dead."
-Pride and Prejudice (2005)

Many times my writing comes out in the form of poetry. Sometimes the lines rhyme and I find myself speaking in perfect iambic pentameter, and in other instances I find myself writing "freestyle" in a way that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I rarely share these poetic verses with anyone, partly because of my lack of confidence in my skill as a poet, and partly because I don't want to kill any friendships "stone dead" due to my terrible writing of verses. However, after going through several years' worth of poems, I came to the conclusion that some are meant to be shared. So I hope I don't kill off any "vague inclinations", and perhaps someone may even enjoy one of these that I hesitatingly call poems. I'll start with the earliest ones, and hopefully you'll notice that they improve a bit over time.

Here is one from 2008:

Friends may come, and friends may go.

Some leave quickly, Others slow

But by and by they all are part

Of what I am,

my piece of art,

necessities that fill my heart

Some only linger for a while

And it may only be their smile

That tells me who they really are-

They are my friend,

For me they care,

Even if a short time we share

But some friends stick like glue, you see

And many last eternally

They are the ones that mean the most

They’re always there,

Despite what goes.

They are the jam upon my toast.

But whether near or far or wide,

Right next door or across the tide,

Friends are what grow,

Teach, and love me.

They influence who I am becoming;

They put that warm feeling inside my tummy.

Carrots

2010-03-17T10:45:00.002-06:00

Her frail, shrunken body looked so small in the wheelchair. A blue sweater lay across her hunched spine. Her frizzy red hair was peppered with white and grey, and her skin was decorated in spots of sun and age. Only speaking when spoken to, only eating when prompted, I sat beside her in my scrubs, urging her onward. Very slowly, deliberately, she moved the metal fork with her fingers and tried to skewer the food on her plate. The first poke proved futile. The second and third also resulted in failure. In her sunken eyes I could see slight frustration, armed with determination. On the fourth try, the fork punctured the carrot. In a slow and slightly shaky movement that seemed to last for eternity, she guided the fork up to her mouth. It seemed as though every centimeter required great energy and focus. With the fork turned sideways, the carrot seemed to be barely hanging on to the metal utensil. I wanted her to feel accomplished and to feed herself. So instead of helping her, I watched with my breath held and wished that all the forces in the world would keep the carrot from a shameful death by plummeting into the depths of the napkin below. Twenty seconds later the carrot had successfully arrived in her mouth. So much pride welled up in me, for this woman I hardly knew. I would have given her a bear hug if her petite frame could have handled the pressure. Instead I kissed her on the forehead, and said in a voice loud enough for her nearly deaf ears to hear me: “Good job! I knew you could do it!” After a few seconds to process, she slowly turned her head my direction. Her blue eyes that were usually clouded over, seemed, only for a moment, to light up as she smiled and mumbled “Thank you.” My heart overflowed.

I never would have thought that a small meal could be filled with so many emotions and so much love. Never before have I been so grateful to a carrot. Never before have I had experiences quite like these. These are the moments I cherish.

Discomfort

2010-03-02T23:38:00.000-07:00

Due to major changes and shifts in my life the past 3 months, I have been terribly inconsistent with blogging. I left the incredible Seattle and have moved back to my beloved Idaho. My frantic searching to find a job has moved writing down to the bottom of my priorities list. (but praise God I now have a job!)

With all these changes I have felt in a constant state of upheaval. I have been frustrated with God for allowing so much change at once. College life had finally settled into a comfortable routine, I had made some amazing friends, and had fallen in love with Seattle. I had a good idea of how the next three or four years would come to pass.

I never would have admitted it then, but now I can see that I became complacent. I have always been one to find the road of least friction. Conflict and I do not get along well. As a result my impulse is to avoid anything uncomfortable. I had fallen into a routine - found my niche - and wasn't too worried about life. But by avoiding conflict and discomfort, I also bypassed many opportunities to grow. Settling for what I felt was satisfactory didn't allow for God's best.

So here I find myself, back in Idaho, away from the friends I had made, away from my comfort, yanked out of my "plan". I can't help but feel that all this was necessary to shake me a little, and remind me once again that I am not the one in control of my life.

It's been a difficult season of life, and I hesitate to think that it will ever become as easy and carefree as it once was. But life is not about ease, and it is not about comfort. Life is about growing, learning, and becoming. So instead of asking for security or serenity, I'm working on asking for grace - to grow from my discomfort. Learn from my failure. And become less of what I want, and more of what He wants.

Simple

2010-02-07T23:23:00.000-07:00

The elderly gentleman looked quite out of place sipping his black coffee from a ceramic mug. His gray and white faded hair had been neatly combed into place. He was the only individual who looked over the age of twenty-five in the coffee shop. His tied leather shoes rested flat on the floor, his aged and weathered hands rested on the table top around his drink. He was a picture of serenity amidst the surrounding tumult of modern living. Pop-Indie music played loudly, accompanied by espresso machines, loud conversing, and a nearly audible technological hum of laptops, iPods, and Blackberries. He had brought nothing with him "to do". He held no book, no newspaper, and didn't appear to possess a cell phone. His simplicity stood out like a sore phalange.

I was struck by how uncommon was this peaceful lack of clutter. For all I knew, our elderly friend wasn't aware of how he didn't seem to fit this modern coffee shop. Whether reviewing memories of years passed or contemplating the quality of his purchased coffee, he seemed content to sit alone with nothing but thoughts demanding his attention.

I wonder how long I could last without the many things that clutter my life. Surely I would go nuts if I didn't have my phone for an entire day. Even my macbook has become somewhat of a fifth limb. While it is impressive how far we have come into the world of technology, I believe it is also a hindrance. I can't help but think that I would notice more, would think more, would be more attentive to life, if I didn't have so many distractions.
If only I would simply turn off the cacophony and listen.

Struggles

2009-11-02T14:19:00.001-07:00

I am the silent distraught.

Difficulties -
I hold them tightly within.
Fear -
To let go would erase
my sense of control.
Control -
My own fabrication.

I am my own confidante.

Worry -
Surely all have their troubles,
enough weight without mine.
Sarcasm -
An insecure façade.
Smile –
Both genuine and pretense.

I am the formidable insecure.

Categorical Cathedrals

2009-09-28T20:20:00.003-06:00

I sat on a hard wooden pew in a dimly-lit cathedral. The immense doors were propped open to welcome the people of Seattle accompanied by a chill evening breeze. I watched as people found a place to sit in the pews, on the stage, or lining the sides on the hard concrete floor. They had come to this Catholic cathedral for the same reason that I had: to listen to the beauty of acapella bounce off the vaulted ceiling. The singing monks of St. Mark's Cathedral attracted all kinds of people. Some entered with an air of confidence while some tip-toed to a back pew and quietly sunk to their seat. Couples spread blankets on the ground and lay next to each other with a view of the lofty ceiling. One young man with a full beard and multiple facial piercings sat amongst others on the stage and assumed the cross-legged position of contemplation.

While waiting for the monks to enter, I pulled "The Red Book" from the back of the pew in front of me. Filled with hymns, psalms, and liturgies, this hard-bound book kept my interest for several minutes. One particular thing I noticed was the categories that the songs were placed in. Some of them were: Praise to God, Jesus Christ our Lord, The Holy Spirit, The Church, and The Christian Life. I was struck by a thought that perhaps whoever assembled this book thought that these types of songs needed differentiation; that "Praise to God" was categorically separate from "The Christian Life". While I understand that Catholicism has a different view of the trinity than I do as a charismatic Christian, it still intrigued me. How many times have I been guilty of pulling out my "normal life" box while placing my relationship with God in a box that I label "Faith"? It's so easy to switch from one mindset to the other without realizing that they should coexist.

As the monks robed in white sang reverent songs of praise, the simplistic notes - sometimes united in melody, other times divided into dramatic harmonies - sent chills up my spine. Regardless of how these Catholic monks perceived their Creator, the music they sang evoked emotions of awe and gratitude deep within me. I glanced at those around me and wondered if they too, knew how much God had given for them, and how deep was his longing to be actively involved in their lives. How many of them had come, like me, simply to hear great music? How many of them perceived a Sunday night worship service merely as something to check off the list of weekly tasks? Sitting on that uncomfortable pew among several hundred fellow listeners, with a large glass window in front and pipe organ in back, I knew without doubt that God should not be placed in a box, written on a list, or even confined to a church building. My God was too grandiose.

Immature thoughts of maturity

2009-08-06T10:18:00.002-06:00

When I am old enough to feel old....

...I want to freely discuss my mistakes with my family and close friends.
....I want to sit down with a friend who I haven't seen in over twenty years, and be able to laugh at old stories of foolishness.
...I want to have the sense of humor to still laugh at myself.
....I want to look back at my past and know that every time I fell, no matter how hard, I grabbed a helping hand and got back up again.
...I want to still be undeniably sure of the fact that God is with me during every stage of my life - even the times when He seems to be silent.

I feel as though I'll only be mature when I realize that I'm not.
I'll never be rid of moments of loneliness until I realize that human relationships were never meant to be all-fulfilling. There will always be seasons where I am meant to be with God, and work only on my relationship with him.
I will never find myself beautiful until I realize that I am made in the image of the exquisite God, and to call myself anything less is to demean my Creator.
I will never feel as though I have anything to contribute to the people in my life until I realize that I never had anything to begin with.
I will never find joy if I never pursue it.
Contentment isn't something I will suddenly happen upon one day. It's something I must choose. I must be cautious of when and with what I choose to be content.
No matter the number of times I settle for it, mediocrity will never be comfortable. It's only easier.
I've never heard of easy work as being successful. Only of it being easy.
Hard work is never easy. Don't expect to achieve anything without working your butt off and giving up things that you want.
In order to comprehend complex ideas and concepts, I must first grasp the simple.
If I suggest to someone how they ought to improve, I certainly should be either firmly established in that area myself, or share upfront that I'm working on it as well.

While I am young enough to feel young....

...I want to take advantage of my youth, pursue the things that matter, and realize that God's timing, for everything, is perfect.

2009-07-06T17:55:00.003-06:00

The other day someone shared some words of encouragement with me, and said I had "so much to offer" to others. I was having a rather grumpy day, and my first response was a laugh that I kept to myself. For nearly two days I pondered exactly what it was that I had to offer. In my relationships with other people, whether family or friends, was I a "giver" or a "taker"? In most aspects of my life, I find that my problem is being over-generous, either to the embarrassment of the other person, or to the point that I spend my money unwisely. But when it comes to relationships, I don't even know whether or not I "take" too much from others. (In retrospect, I also find it very humorous that I have internal monologues with myself about my social habits.)
Finally, after spending far too much time worrying about what this person had said, I had an epiphany. (Don't ever say something to me and forget to mention the fact that it's a joke. I tend to over-analyze most every conversation.) I was sitting in church, still rather bothered by what I had to offer to other people in my life. I had come up with a few cheesy things, but why did that make me good friend material? Then it hit me. Actually, Ethan hit me. But the epiphany came pretty close to the same time. I realized that the entire reason that I would even want to gain new friends and strengthen the relationships that I already have, is not because of what either of us has to give to the other. It's because of what God gives each of us; whether it's life stories, the ability to extend grace, or the general desire to be in a community with others. I am nothing without Christ, remember? *hits myself on the forehead* Duh! I'm rather frustrated with how elementary some of my conclusions are. Apparently I need to be reminded of basic things. Part of life I suppose. Some things won't stick until they get hit into you. It's likely that I'll be covered in bruises by the time I'm thirty.

Trust me.

2009-06-28T16:24:00.004-06:00

Have you ever had one of those moments where you're just overwhelmed by the wonders that make up your life? Have you ever had a sudden realization of how, despite the negative, there are so many positive blessings in life? I find it interesting that when these sporadic moments pop into my life, it's usually accompanied with a time of difficulty. It's when I feel that the world is about to run me over, when I feel completely helpless, that I see the good. Isn't it ironic that the times when I feel helpless are usually the most help-FUL? When I realize that I can do nothing within my power to change my circumstances, it is then that I see how much faith I have placed in myself and how futile that is. After placing my plans, goals, and dreams back in God's hands where they belong, I see amazing things happen. I see the people he has placed in my life that build me up and encourage me. I see His grace and beauty in the little things. I see his mercy in regards to my own life and choices.
After continually trying to figure out my life on my own, to no avail, each time I come back to the conclusion that I am nothing without my Savior. As harsh as that may sound to some people, it's an amazing conclusion to make. It takes all of the pressure to perform off my shoulders. All I need to do is surrender to God and trust that He will always know better than I do. This is no easy task, let me tell you. Forcing yourself to be dependent rather than self-determining is an insurmountable task. But it's a heck of a lot better than running my own life. Trust me.

Journeys

2009-06-10T22:18:00.001-06:00

I find myself wanting things I can’t have. There are times I wish my sister was closer to my age so we could have more meaningful conversations than the arguments we currently have about whether or not her clothes are coordinating. “Lexa, would you help me pick out clothes to wear today?” Of course I agree. After presenting my choice to her she wrinkles her nose and in a whiny face says “But that looks funny! It TOTALLY doesn’t match.” After nearly five years of arguing with her about clothes I’ve just about given up.
And, of course there are times I wish I had a few more siblings, just to make life more interesting. Boy would that be interesting indeed.

I also find myself impatient for things somewhere in the distant future. There are many times when I feel as though I can’t wait any longer to have my own children. I want to hold an infant in my arms and know that it’s a part of me. I want to be overwhelmed up to my ears in dirty diapers, sticky fingers, and a messy house. I want to be able to relieve my stress by laughing at the curiosity and idiosyncrasies of a toddler while consuming imaginary drinks that my daughter makes in her plastic toy kitchen.

I want to work as a nurse in a place where things are crazy-stressful. I want to give quality care to patients who need the emotional support just as much as the physical. I want to be the person in the background who takes care of the little things. I want patients to connect my name with that person who gave a smile and a few extra words of encouragement when needed.

As I sit here thinking towards the rather unforeseeable future, I realize that wishing and hoping doesn’t get me anywhere. Having goals and dreams is an excellent thing, don’t get me wrong. But even the things I feel that God has spoken into my life are quite meaningless unless I take action and do what needs to be done to get there. God has placed within me certain desires and longings, but they won’t instantaneously come to pass unless I get off my backside and do my part to fulfill his will for my life. Before I can help my patients, I have to get into a nursing program and pay for college. Before I can play one of Bach’s Concertos perfectly I need to practice piano scales and arpeggios on a daily basis. Instead of wishing for extra children in my life, I need to work more on pouring into my siblings.
Instead of being overwhelmed by everything that needs to be accomplished, I need to take it one step at a time. God tends to do more with the journeys in life than he does with the end results. I’m beginning to see that a little each day…

That's MY sink!!!!!

2009-05-24T00:14:00.006-06:00

“In truth, the only difference between those who have failed and those who have succeeded lies in the difference of their habits. Good habits are the key to all success.”
-Og Mandino

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. We form an excessive amount of habits over the course of our lives, many of which we don’t even realize. We establish some that are good, and some that are destructive. Sometimes it’s just the lack of good habits that allow us to fail.

Now that I’ve finished my first year of college out of the house and on my own, I’ve realized the true importance of good habits. There are certain aspects of my life that I have to do habitually or else I’ll never accomplish them. Especially when it comes to academics, if I don’t have a regimented time of when I’m going to study, it’s easy for me to forget or put it off.
But looking at the opposite side of the spectrum, I’ve also realized how habits – even decent ones – can be a bad thing. There are times that I don’t deal well with change. I easily fall into a routine, and if something breaks that routine I can get a little frustrated. I find a method that works and I stick to it religiously. At school this year, I had to adapt to a bathroom with three sinks that was shared with about fifteen girls. This wasn’t much of a problem at night, since I generally stayed up ridiculously late. There were hardly more than two people in there at once. I had one specific sink that I always used. The drain wasn’t clogged with hair quite as much as the other two, it had temperatures other than freezing and boiling, and it was just generally better. So at night I always used my sink. But in the morning, when we all got ready for classes around the same time, it got a bit crowded. The counter was covered with makeup bags, curling irons, hair-straighteners, and my sink, which happened to be the one next to the electrical outlet, was often taken. I have to admit that at first, this bothered me. After using the same sink for two weeks, I wasn’t about to switch to a different one. I just wasn’t used to it. Pathetic it may have been, but what can I say? I find refuge in familiarity.

Habits are all about balance. (What in life isn’t?) Acceptable habits need to be formed in order to avoid lethargy and falling down a slippery slope. At the same time, we also need to be willing to accept certain changes. Nothing besides God is always constant. Anyone who clings to routine and won’t step out to unfamiliar territory is going to have a really tough life. Hence the reason I’m working on this myself.
So here’s a tribute to both change and habit; may they both be present in your life, but may neither define you.

Wap!

2009-05-21T08:34:00.003-06:00

If you have known me for any length of time you know that I am not the most outgoing person, particularly around people that I don’t know. Over the course of my high school experience God really worked on my lack of boldness. I feel that there is definitely a confidence in me now that wasn’t ever there before. However, I am still not very outgoing and I tend to battle this on a regular basis. Some of it is my personality, and I accept that. I will never be the person that always speaks what is on her mind – I will never be the extremely social person who thrives off of other people. I will probably always have a desire to think things through before I take action – I will always enjoy sitting in the background and observing what is happening without any desire to be part of it - and I’m perfectly fine with that. It’s part of who I am. But there are certainly circumstances where I wish I could force myself to be loud and almost rash. When a friend makes a stupid mistake, I sometimes feel that my firm and quiet discussion and reasoning through of their choice isn’t as effective as a wap over the head and a proverbial slap on the hand might be. And there are certainly circumstances in which I NEED to be unreserved. There are times when I sit in large of groups of people and I look for the people that I know and am comfortable with and I won’t bother to meet anyone else. Why would I need to be the one to initiate conversation with someone I have never met? I have a terrible problem with stepping out of my comfort zone. I realize that this is completely selfish. There are people out there who are searching for a friend, who are looking for someone to improve their day or just encourage them with a slap on the back, and I have the audacity to sit in my own pitiful comfort zone because I suck at initiating conversations. A friend of mine recently told me “no risk, no reward.” As elementary as that is, it’s definitely something I need to drill into my head.
So if you ever see me and notice that I’m retreating into my shell, please wap me over the head and say “Go talk to people, woman!”

George the Third

2009-05-21T08:24:00.003-06:00

Finally, after nearly two decades, I can admit that I struggle in commitment and in following through with things that are difficult. If something seems impossible, my first instinct is to let go and find something easier. I give up too quickly. I don’t know why it’s taken me this long to admit to it.

College. I’m attending this amazing school where I know God has called me for the time being. The odds against my finances are insurmountable. My first tendency is to say “Oh well. If the money isn’t there, then I guess I should go somewhere else. Screw this!” I let go and settle for something less than what God desires for me. After several conversations with people, it finally got through my thick skull that letting go when it gets difficult equates to giving up. Amazing revelation, isn’t it? Once I sat down and sorted it out on paper (free-writing has always been the best way for me to synthesize my jumbled thoughts), I realized that I was running away from circumstances that were out of my control. It didn’t seem logical for me to stay in a place where I was not able to guarantee that I could take care of things myself. I am incessantly in awe of how ridiculously daft I can be. After being raised in the church, after thousands of sermons and worship songs declaring that God is sovereign, that he is bigger than my circumstances, that he is always in control, I still don’t get it. What are a few thousand dollars in the perspective of the eternal creator? If I believe with all my heart that Jesus holds the whole world in his hands, then why in the name of George the Third do I act as though he can’t handle my predicaments? I am speechless. I have flabbergasted myself.

But I suppose that now I am finally having the epiphany that having trust in God is most definitely a daily task. Sure, I have asked him to take control of my life, but that doesn’t mean that I have let go of it. It’s like giving someone a gift that you secretly want to keep for yourself. As you place it into their hands you stall and grip onto it for as long as possible. Here God! I give you my life! But I still want to hold it too!
We can share.

Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. Am I the only one that struggles with this? I certainly hope not, or I may have to just give in to the lies of the enemy and start drinking decaf.

Antiquity

2009-04-19T19:27:00.003-06:00

I haven’t asked many college students how they feel about antique shops. But I think I can safely assume that the number of young people who find pleasure in browsing through the belongings of dead people is relatively small. For some reason, I am part of the minority that can spend hours in places that smell like my great-great-grandma’s house. I have a great love of history in general. But it becomes even more fascinating when I can tangibly experience someone’s forgotten treasures - the items that surrounded them in their daily lives. I rummage through children’s books that were published in the thirties and forties and would have been read by those living during WWII. I look through piles of yellowed piano music and wonder how many times the songs were played and whether they were endured in silence or shared in the company of loved ones. I see some dresses that would have been beautiful and all-the-rage in the fifties, and some dresses that are so hideous that it’s a wonder the person wearing them wasn’t shot. (Maybe they were.) I peruse cases of old jewelry – some sparkling with jewels and some tarnished and long-neglected – and wonder from whence they came. I see random articles from China, Germany, and France, and imagine the long distances they traveled in various conditions to arrive to their final destinations.

But the one conclusion that I always draw from my visits to these shops of antiquity is that of human morality – of how incredibly fleeting life really is. Whenever any one of us dies, those close to us may rummage through our belongings and relive memories for a short while. But eventually everything that we own will be reused, sold, or even thrown away. All that will remain are the people you have impacted, and the legacy that they leave with their lives as a result of how you touched them. That’s why antique stores are some of my favorite places to visit. I can literally get a grasp on the past and what was once dear to people – and at the same time realize that these items are only objects. The real antiques of times past are the people you talk to everyday - those whose lives have been touched by generations of long ago in ways that even they don’t know. So instead of attempting to improve your TY Beanie Baby collection or spending your time searching for rare Russian nesting dolls, I would suggest investing more time in the people in your life. It’s definitely something I need to work on. I think I would rather people remember me for my life than for the copious amounts of faded piano music I might someday leave behind.

Worth it.

2009-04-18T20:22:00.005-06:00

I’m spending the weekend in Portland, and there is a plethora of quaint stores, boutiques, and coffee shops. But last night we visited what is definitely one of the most commemorative coffee shops I have ever spent time in. They had incredible coffee, but that was not the climax. This particular shop was connected to a hotel lobby. We ascended the stairs to a loft area with stools, a bookshelf, a mac computer (of course), and a huge chest of drawers that took up most of the wall. This huge piece of furniture with around thirty or forty drawers was filled with hundreds of notes. People have written varying things on small pieces of paper. Some are random drawings, abstract art, confessions, loves notes, and doodles. We spent close to an hour pulling open random drawers and examining their sacred contents. The subjects ranged from humorous, to perverted, to absolutely depressing. Out of the many notes that I read last night, one in particular stood out to me. Like most of the notes I looked at, it was anonymous. All it said was,
“I want to be worth it. The sad thing is, I never will.”

I never thought that a four-by-six piece of paper would affect me so much. My heart broke for this unidentified person. I would give almost anything to be able to find them and tell them that they ARE worth it. Not because of anything that they have or have not done, but because of the Grace that has been offered them.
It made me realize how fortunate I am to have not only been given this grace, but to be in a place where I can openly accept it. I have a fresh desire to bring a Love to the rest of the world that is not related to the world's definition of the word.

Hang on tight!

2009-03-29T22:52:00.000-06:00

Trust in Lord in all your ways and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths.

There are many people that I trust. But I can’t say that there has ever been a specific time where I have had to trust someone with my life. I’ve never experienced one of those scenes from a movie where you both have to descend down the face of a cliff to avoid being shot by machine guns, and you have to climb onto the back of the person with the rope. You know, those scenes where the guy tells the girl to get on his back and hold on tight. She replies with “You’re crazy!!” He looks her in the eye and the gunfire pauses for dramatic effect as he says “Just trust me.”
Ya, never been there. I wonder which people I would trust with my life like that. It makes me question not only my trust of humanity outside the people I’m close to, but also my trust in my savior.
So many times I “lean on my own understanding”. I plan out the details of my life without making sure it’s what God wants me to do. I act as though I am omniscient – as if I am the one in control of the universe rather than him.
There have been moments – and they are becoming more frequent – when I feel as though God is looking me in the eye, offering me his hand, and saying “Just trust me.” A year ago I would have honestly told you that trusting God wasn’t such a difficult thing to do. I suppose I had never really been required to fully rely on Him. But now that I’m going through a more realistic part of life, I’m realizing just how hard it is to trust him. It’s not a piece of cake. I’ve finally had the revelation that the more trust I put in God, the less I have to rely on myself. In the end, relying on myself is not a good thing anyways. I consistently let myself down, and no matter how hard I try, there are always some things that I will never be able to accomplish with my own strength and determination.
As I currently sit on the airplane above the clouds, I see the red sun setting behind the mountain peaks and I wonder why I have difficulty placing my circumstances in the hands of the Creator. But despite whatever the reason may be, I’m attempting to overcome it. Not because I have any ability myself, but because I’m choosing to reach out and grab the strong hand in front of me and say “I trust you.”

play a song

2009-03-23T18:56:00.002-06:00

The wait was as long as the line. I stood there with my piano purse hanging from the crook of my arm.
A small boy standing behind me decided that he would make the most fun out of his line-waiting experience. He started pushing on the "keys" of my purse and played me a little song. "Dooooo-dee-doo-dah". I just grinned as his dad whispered "stop it!"
It's little things like this that tend to poke me a reminder about my perspective. Waiting in line really isn't terrible. Especially if I make the most out of it. The longer the wait, the greater the song I could compose in the meantime.

Sad beans.

2009-03-13T23:20:00.003-06:00

Embarking on this adventure called college has proved to be anything but predictable. And while I knew I wouldn’t know what to expect, there were definitely things that I didn’t expect to be unexpected.(?) In other words, I had no idea what college life would be like, but one thing I wasn’t prepared to have change was my life back at home.

Coming home during school breaks has been a source of comfort and familiarity for me. While away at school I desperately miss this place I call home. Returning once again has a calming effect on my nerves. However, that security is thrown off kilter when there are things that I don’t recognize in my own town; when I go to the church that I have attended since I was 4 years old, and half of the people I don’t even recognize. My siblings talk about friends whose names I don’t know. That genuinely bothers me. My brother has basketball practices that I can’t watch. My sister is playing in her first piano recital and I’m not going to be there. My baby brother is suddenly taller than I am. I long to be there for my siblings – my family – in times of need. And I have this ache I’ve never felt before. A feeling of being left out of my own life - of things going on as normal, without me.
Is this what everyone experiences when they first leave home? Certainly no one has ever told me about it. Honestly, I am at a loss as to how I should handle my situation. Should I leave the things of my past behind and move on to boldly embrace my future? Stop dwelling in the past? Perhaps I should attempt to be a part of both worlds: the one called college and the one called home. Or perhaps I should give up an out-of-state college so that I can live at home and be able to sustain all of my relationships. I am deeply saddened when I realize that many friends are now only acquaintances, some acquaintances have fell off the face of the planet, and the people that have replaced them are random individuals I have never seen before. I don’t know, maybe I’m just being overly dramatic. Perhaps it's hormones. Maybe that bean burrito did it.....

Divine Humility

2009-02-03T02:23:00.005-07:00

"I call this Divine humility because it is a poor thing to strike our colours to God when the ship is going down under us; a poor thing to come to Him as a last resort, to offer up 'our own' when it is no longer worth keeping.

If God were proud He would hardly have us on such terms: but He is not proud, He stoops to conquer, He will have us even though we have shown that we prefer everything else to Him, and come to Him because there is 'nothing better' now to be had." -C.S. Lewis

This quote from one of my favorite authors of all time convicted me. I am often reminded of the stunning splendor of God's grace. If I think about it for too long my head almost hurts. No human will ever be able to fully comprehend it. But what strikes me most from the above quote is the truth in the statement that we often "offer up our own when it is no longer worth keeping". Honestly, I have absolutely nothing of value to offer to my Savior. Even when I do offer him what I have, I still fumble and tarnish my gift that much more. I am eternally grateful - literally - for a Jesus who humbles himself enough to stoop to my level and accept this crappy gift called my life.

M&Ms...or Med School?

2009-01-26T00:31:00.003-07:00

I often wonder how human beings can be so continuously ridiculous. Why is it that this weekend, despite my intentions to be productive, I spent the majority of my time doing nothing of importance? I suppose I'm asking the age-old question: why do I do things I don't want to do? I understand that sitting on the couch all weekend will not help improve my life. When there is homework to be completed, putting it off until the last minute does not make it go away. Watching the Lord of the Rings does not, despite my wishes, make me more like Frodo so I can go save the world. Watching Pride and Prejudice will not bring me any closer to my Mr. Darcy. So again, I ask, why do I waste my time? I'm no Albert Einstein, but my I.Q. is not 15 either. I understand that

watching movies will not change my life. Why is it that I act in ways that I know are completely futile? Why do I eat so many peanut M&M's, when I know that an apple is much healthier? Something is definitely wrong if I am no longer satisfied with what is "good" for me.

I hate to admit it, but there are times when I grow weary of doing right. I'm just sick of eating salad with a turkey sandwich on whole-wheat bread, and drinking water and cranberry juice. Give me a bag of M&M's! I wonder why it is that so many people in my generation have this same problem. We are so easily deceived by looking at the temporary. I think it's because we are such a demanding generation. We want everything now, not in five minutes. I feel like eating a huge tub of ice cream and M&M's, so that' what I'm going to do! I don't take into consideration that I could easily gain twenty-five pounds and eventually have a heart attack due to an inadequate diet. I don't feel like doing my homework right now, so I'll watch a movie. If I were to instead, step back and say "Well if I don't do it tonight I won't have any time to work on it the rest of the week. Then it will be rushed, I'll get a poor grade, and my semester grade could be affected. If I don't keep my GPA up, I'll never get into med school! I better start on this assignment tonight." While that may be a bit extreme, I believe that long-term goals and delayed gratification are two things that people today really need to work on - myself included. If I stay focused on the end result I want, it's easier to stick it through and finish what needs to be done. When I realize that, hey - I don't want to become obese - it's easier to exhibit self control when it comes to eating ice cream.
But hey. It never hurts to sneak a few peanut M&M's every once-in-a-while.

2009-01-08T14:35:00.002-07:00

One of my favorite scenes from the newest Pride and Prejudice movie goes like this:

Mr. Bennet: “How happy for you, Mr. Collins, to possess a talent for flattering with such... delicacy.”
Elizabeth Bennet: “Do these pleasing attentions proceed from the impulse of the moment, or are they the result of previous study?”
Mr. Collins: “They arise chiefly from what is passing of the time. And though I do sometimes amuse myself with arranging such little elegant compliments, I always wish to give them as unstudied an air as possible.”
Elizabeth Bennet: “Oh, believe me, no one would suspect your manners to be rehearsed.”

I feel like this is the story of the majority of my visits at Starbucks. While there may be a slight few exceptions, it seems as though the light-hearted gaiety of the baristas are somewhat…how to say this…premeditated: forced. To be perfectly honest, I feel as though their obviously feigned bubbly-ness is just downright ridiculous. I look forward to the day when I ask one such maker-of-expensive-caffeine how their day is going, and they answer that it could be going better. I would prefer to have honest people to converse with rather than absurdly happy people. Don’t take me wrong. I’m sure this situation has a lot to do with the company itself rather than the actual people. But I wonder if either understands the difference between happiness and joy. I’m not attempting to be critical. There have been a few situations where it seems that they are genuinely happy. I struggle with this myself sometimes. Just thought I’d make an observation.

Normal? What's that?

2008-12-22T16:29:00.004-07:00

This was written three days ago while I was sitting in the airport with absolutely nothing to do:

"Long ago I came to the conclusion that I enjoy people-watching. It’s so amusing and it helps the time pass. At the same time it also causes me to think, and gives me great stories and ideas to blog about. I also have come to enjoy just observing everything around me. Spending eight hours of my afternoon in the Seattle airport has given me ample time to participate in such activities. This is the first chance I’ve actually had to spend “quality” time in this airport. There are quite a few little shops that try and rip you off simply by putting the name “Washington” or “Seattle” on their products. There are times when I have felt like I’m going in circles because I know I’ve passed that store before, only to realize that there are five of them in the same airport. I laughed when I realized there was a wrapping center where you can pay a small fee to have your Christmas presents wrapped while you wait for your flight. I would assume that this is either for the people that, like my dad, hate wrapping presents, or for those who are headed home and were just hit with the realization that the items they bought for their loved ones are going to be blatantly naked when they pull them from their suitcase.
I love watching people walk past me on this – one of the busiest days to travel of the year – and wonder what their story is. Is the person with the hat like Sherlock Holmes attempting to make a fashion statement, or is the hat just comfortable? Does the mom walking with two toddlers on leashes really have that much trouble keeping her kids in order, or is it just a safety precaution? Does the guy with hair down to his arm-pits the color of algae, really want his hair to look like it was scraped off the surface of a pond, or did it maybe end up being a different color than he first anticipated? Is it really safe for that man to be flying? He looks as if he is about 200 years old and could keel over at any moment. I remember that airports have AED’s to use on victims of cardiac arrest. I wonder where the nearest one is? I wonder if I could still accurately go through the steps of using one without having my own myocardial infarction. I wonder if the woman wearing scrubs has witnessed any traumatic events in the course of her work. Has she had to deal with patients in her care dying? I wonder if the boy pulling his hot-wheels suitcase enjoyed his flight or if his mom had to hold his hand during the loud take-off. I wonder if that twelve-year-old girl on wheelies has ever biffed it while cruising on those things. Has anyone told that man recently that he really needs a haircut? Shoulder-length hair that is wispy and swept back can give the most masculine men a feminine look. I hope someone informs him of this. What’s with this door I see across the way that says “Presidents Club” in fancy script? Maybe it’s for those people that think a suit and tie, a Bluetooth on their ear, and Starbucks in their hand elevate them above the rest of society. I wonder how much money I have spent on coffee over the past year. I’d rather not know. I wonder if the man in army clothes, walking with his wife’s hand in his, has been gone for very long. I wonder if that other man has really convinced himself that his hair looks attractive in a ponytail. I can assure you right now that he would be incorrect. I wonder if the man sitting two chairs over realizes that he might go deaf. It could be that his headphones just don’t keep sound in too well but I doubt it. I also wonder if he realizes how ridiculous he looks shaking his head to the beat of the music blaring from his iPod.
See, this is why I enjoy watching other people. It helps raise my self esteem when I realize that compared to everyone else, I'm relatively normal."

Freedom

2008-12-07T18:55:00.003-07:00

Often when the subject of freedom comes up, I automatically think of one party being freed from enslavement by another. It's easy to forget that you can be enslaved by yourself.
One thing I have really learned in the past few months is that even the people who seem to have it all together still struggle. There really isn't anyone who is perfect. It's been easier for me to share my troubles when I realize that there are others going through the same thing. I struggle with being open about my problems because I feel so inadequate compared to other people. But then I realize - I shouldn't be comparing myself to others in the first place. I should place myself next to God's standards. That is what I should strive for. That is what should dictate whether I'm making progress in certain areas of my life. It is when I compare myself to his requirement of perfection that I finally realize how far behind I have fallen. It is then that I realize the true miracle of his grace. Only then will I be free.

Click here to hear a song that seems to encapsulate my thoughts rather well.

All my chains I can’t disengage
And I don’t believe that I want to
One hand sings your praise the other brings me shame
I have selﬁshness to blame

And I’m singing for freedom
I know I’m not the only one
Praying to the One
Who can bring me this freedom
And I’m ready for change

Broken down I lay
I keep holding my chains
No longer bound but here I stay
I scream Father please
I need rescuing I need You and You alone

And I’m singing for freedom
I know I’m not the only one
Praying to the One
Who can bring me this freedom
I’m ready for... I’m ready for (change)

Still You patiently await
Yet I won’t just let go
I see You and You alone
Saying come follow me despair has come so You can see
Release

And so I’m singing for freedom
And so I’m singing for freedom

The time has come separation lost the war to love
Take my hand grace has found You where you once began
Your alive You're alive in the waking of new life
Take my hand in the end there’s only love
There’s only love

There’s only singing for freedom
I know I’m not the only One
Praying to the One
Who can bring me this freedom
And I’m ready for... I’m ready for...
Father please I need rescuing
I need You and You alone

country music: the devil is a liar!

2008-11-05T14:01:00.003-07:00

There are some types of music that I just don't enjoy. I wouldn't say that I "hate" them. Hate is a strong word. But I have come pretty close to swearing my heart forever against country music and anything that sounds close to it. Something about the twang of the singers' voices added to the lyrics of most of the songs just doesn't agree with my ears.

The conclusion that I came to last night, (besides the discovery that Taylor Swift is in fact, female - unlike my previous thought) is that I really can enjoy any kind of music in the presence of friends. Even the music that I normally "just don't enjoy". I can bear listening to one of my least-favorite songs of all time entitled "Soulja Boy", only because my friend has previously forced my ears to hear it. And it's not that I enjoy the song in itself. The music and the lyrics just are not my favorite. But the fact that it has been listened to with friends makes it a fun song, despite its terrible grammatical errors and language. So thank you Caitlin.

And just a holler out to my two girlies last night: thank you for teaching me well that Taylor Swift is a female - that drip coffee tastes like heaven when it's free - and that no matter who is president, Jesus is still on the throne. Maybe one day I'll be able to praise Him while enjoying country music. Who knows....

Distracted??? Never....

2008-11-01T19:28:00.007-06:00

I am easily distracted.

This can sometimes be good, and sometimes be bad.
Many times I allow myself to be distracted, and other times I am completely unaware. For example, I could currently be working on a paper that's due on Monday. But there a times when I just feel the need to blog. I am in the right mood. So I am taking advantage of my opportunity to be distracted.

The past few days have been very homesick ones. Even though I am returning home soon, (in approximately 20 days, 5 hours, and 23 minutes) I am wondering whether I can make it that much longer. Three months away from home is difficult sometimes.
I have realized how much I miss random adventures with close friends.

I have realized how much I miss crazy times with my siblings.

But since arriving at college, I have met some truly amazing people. I have made many acquaintances and several close friends. They are good at distracting me from my loneliness. (and also my homework, but we don't need to address that right now) Especially that handful of girls on my floor - you know who you are. :) I am so grateful for the kindness and love you guys have shown me, and for the memories I know we will continue to make.
So while I may be counting down the days, hours, minutes, and seconds until I arrive back home, I'm sure that every one of those seconds will be spent to the fullest. Because Jesus has blessed me with many distractions. :)

A list.

2008-10-21T02:47:00.003-06:00

A day in the life of me:
-Wake up long before the sun, and get ready for the day
-Walk through the cold morning air to the cafeteria for yummy breakfast
-Head to the thrilling class of organic chemistry
-Attend chapel
-Go back to my dorm and utilize my hour-and-a-half break to plan my schedule for next semester, read a couple chapters from a textbook, and check my email and facebook
-Eat lunch before heading to my favorite class, Christian Thought
-Go to my APA Research Writing Class (or not)
-Work on homework for a while, and then decide that a nap is in order
-Wake up in time to grab dinner right at 5 before heading out to babysit
-Walk through the mist that the clouds are spitting out to my babysit-ee's house
-Play with an 11-month old until he is cranky and tired enough to go to sleep
-Feed him his bottle, read a couple of books and attempt to calm him with a few Christmas songs...and put him to bed
-Help a 2-year-old brush her teeth, get her pajamas on, and convince her that she doesn't really need to take her Elmo toothbrush to bed
-Fold clothes and pick up toys
-Walk back home in the fine mist and cold night air
-Stop at the starbucks that happens to conveniently be on my way home
-Kill a few minutes warming myself in Starbucks while talking on the phone with my brother
-Resume the walk back to school, only to stop and watch the fire station across the street: the alarm goes off and I can easily watch through the windows. The firemen casually put on their gear, and slowly but surely walk into the garage and climb into the truck and pull out. Not nearly the speed-drill feel I was expecting.
-Walk into the dorms and quickly head to my friend the grand piano for some bonding
-Notice the large spotted spider that is on the outer side of the window
-Go outside and balance on one foot, remove shoe, kill spider with a slight amount of wrath, scrape spider webs off shoe, and place back on foot
-More bonding with my piano friend
-Back to dorm to grab bag and Bible
-Head up the hill to pursuit
-Have an amazing encounter with God and fall in love with Him all over again
-Come back and blog.
-Eventually, I'll go to sleep.

Awexa!!

2008-10-20T21:59:00.005-06:00

If you don't know by now, I adore children of all ages. I find great joy in building things with legos just so that they can be destroyed (several boys have taught me that this is their true purpose). I have become a master at building race tracks for hot wheels cars. And not much amuses me more than playing house with a 2-year-old with dolls who are missing clothing and miniature kitchens with plastic food.
Even though there are times that I would rather go do something more relaxing like take a nap or watch a movie, by the time I get settled in I am glad I went. I can honestly say that I have never regretted a single night spent with children. I savor a good challenge of a strong-willed child. I can be more stubborn than they, and I understand their manipulation strategies. I will not be defeated!!. Even though this can be stressful at times, it is all worth it when I come back again and I am greeted with a huge smile with little arms thrown in the air as they yell "Wexa!!" It is worth it in the times when I can rock an infant to sleep with a quiet song. It is worth it when the 3-year-old studies me for a minute or two, and then states with finality, "Awexa? I sink you're a nice girl. I wuv you." It is in these moments that I can't help smiling and I feel like my joy is so full that it's leaking out of me.
I hope that in some way I can portray even a fraction of the love for them that is in my heart. If I can accomplish that, I am more than content.

"Don't touch the light!!!" "But it's so beauuuuutifuuuuuullll....."

2008-10-17T17:41:00.002-06:00

I have recently discovered a small idiosyncrasy of mine. No, it's not other people's spelling errors - I've known about that one for years. Rather, I have realized my frustration with the casual use of certain adjectives. Words like beauty and love are so overused. It actually bothers me quite a bit.

I think one thing that factors into this is my knowledge of God. Even in my limited understanding of all that he is, I understand that he is beauty and love personified. At night when I look up at the speckled sky - that is beauty. When I am in that quiet place where I am overwhelmed by my Father's graceful presence - that is love. And so to use these terms on anything less is almost sacrilegious. I don't think there's anything wrong with describing a football pass as beautiful (actually....) and I won't hurt you if you say that you're in love with coffee. But honestly? If we are capable of properly using the English language, maybe we should be more original. Just think of all the possibilities!

"This coffee is so delicious it fills my digestive enzymes with joy."

"This music is so amazing it makes my very soul quiver in excitement."

"You look so fine today, that if you were a cookie I would eat you."

etc, etc......

So try something new. Be creative. There isn't any fun in being cliche anyways.

Mmmmmm......

2008-10-04T18:05:00.002-06:00

Fall seems to have finally arrived. The leaves are beginning to change color, and it's finally not warm enough to go outside in a t-shirt. The chill of the wind gives me a desire to curl up on my bed with my fuzzy blanket and read a good book. Add a little Frank Sinatra, Tony Bennett, or Norah Jones, and it's almost perfect. What could possibly make this superb combination even better? Nothing but my lifeblood: coffee. I have realized that when I spread out my consumption a little: maybe once every two days or so, it seems even more euphoric.
As a poor college student I have realized not only the expense of Starbucks, but also the joy of good coffee in my dorm room. After teaching my roommate what the French press is all about, she now loves it almost as much as I do. There's just something about walking into the room to the smell of fresh coffee and the soothing voice of Frank. All I can do is inhale, smile, and say with a sigh, "Mmmmmmm...."

Hello. My name is Bob the Spider. Can I be your friend?

2008-09-23T16:02:00.003-06:00

Over the course of the past four weeks I have discovered three things that could in fact speed the process of my death.

I sit at the local public library which, according to mapquest, is approximately 1.55 miles away from the college campus. Not a bad distance at all. In fact there are many cute little places within a five mile radius of my school. Boutiques, hair salons, thrift stores, bakeries, movie theaters, and about ten Starbucks.
With the absence of a motor vehicle, I am obliged to put my red bicycle to use. So far it has been a great experience. I feel like I get so much more exercise during the week, I don't have to pay for gas, and it helps the economy! What could be better, right? However, one thing that didn't occur to me before I moved away to college, was the very "hilly" terrain around the Seattle area. I'll tell you right now: if homework (death-causing agent #1) doesn't kill me by the time four years is up, then I could almost bet that the hills around here will. (death-causing agent #2)
Although I have yet to actually measure for certain, I have a feeling that the circumference of my calf muscles has increased by at least half an inch on each leg. I suppose I should look on the bright side: I never have a problem falling asleep at night.
If homework doesn't kill me, and if by some miracle my bike rides don't put my heart into an odd arrhythmia, then I'll be killed by spiders. (death-causing agent #3) The school bike rack is an arachnid breeding ground. Even if my bike has only been hooked up for four hours, when I return it is sure to be covered in spider webs. I have to carefully inspect my handle bars before each ride as I once found a very large friend that wanted to tag along with me. Maybe he wanted to be my friend. You never know - he could have been a good moral support.

The Life of a College Student - Morning Walks

2008-09-17T09:31:00.010-06:00

For probably the first time in the past three weeks I actually went to sleep before midnight last night. I decided that instead of sleeping until I barely had enough time to get ready for my chemistry class, I would actually get up extra early to enjoy the morning.
I actually love morning time. If I would ever get to bed at a decent hour I would be a morning person. So I woke up before the sun - at 5:40am to be exact, and walked out of my dorm room and out into the world. First stop: Starbucks.

Since I knew I would be walking up extremely steep hills and my pulse would be increased almost to the point of hypertension, I decided to get a drink without caffeine. Enter Meagan's brilliant revelation: spiced caramel apple cider!! Yumm. The Starbucks which is just down the street has a patio outside with a fireplace, so I sat in the crisp morning air while watching the sunrise. It doesn't get much better.
At this point it was only seven o'clock, so I decided to walk down to the docks. It's not a long walk, but definitely a very tilted one. Once I emerged onto the hill there was a beautiful view of Lake Washington and the city of Seattle.

As I finally came down off the very vertically-inclined street, I arrived at the dock. Beatiful view. It's hard to see since the sun was behind me, but the sun was reflecting off the buildings in the distance causing them to look a lot more "white" than they usually do.

I even had the pleasure of watching a small plane land on the water right in front of me.

After spending a bit of time sitting out on the edge of the dock, I headed back. There is a small "public path" that leads through a mini rain-forest, and the sun was poking through. Lovely picture opportunities. I love early mornings!

2008-09-14T23:37:00.004-06:00

I honestly don't know what I would do without laughter. If I didn't have the ability to laugh at myself I would be, well, very depressed. Ha. I am completely serious though. If I took myself seriously every time I did something idiotic I'd probably be dead by now.
But in addition to saving my life, laughter is also a vital part of my composition: joy to be specific. I already touched on this in an earlier post but I feel inclined to address it again, in another aspect.
How could I call myself a Christian and not be filled with joy? I understand that everyone has bad days and sometimes circumstances aren't all we desire. I have had days where honestly, I want to be grumpy. Something just gets to me and I take advantage of any excuse I can use to explain my discomfort. Someone asks me if I'm doing alright and I almost relish being able to say no and tell them why I am validated in my grumpiness. This doesn't happen to me often, but it occurs nonetheless. As I sit here and briefly meditate on my behavior on those days of self-imposed-misery, I am incredulous. Isn't this how two-year-olds act? Isn't it a younger child who often pouts when things don't go as desired? With all the children I have been exposed to during my life you'd think I would recognize bratty behavior in myself. You'd think.
Yet I am amazed at how many Christians I know who don't understand the joy that I usually have within me. Hang on a second, what is my testimony again? What has God done for me? How has He blessed me?
Oh. I see. And yet still there are days when I choose self-pity over joy. That makes perfect sense.
I feel like Eve. I let the world point out the one tree that I can't eat from, instead of the hundreds of others that I am free to enjoy. I let the one negative thing discolor the vast majority that is incredible. My perspective is distorted. I have equated joy with happiness, and that is a lethal mistake. I am loved by the King of the Ages and my best friend is the Creator. I can have joy in all that I do everyday, no matter what my circumstances dictate to me. So if anyone ever sees me choosing misery, please - hit me across the head or something and yell with the loving authority of God "Choose Joy!!"

First Bicycle Adventure!

2008-09-08T18:48:00.004-06:00

I rode my bike down to Starbucks today.
I have walked down there several times, but decided I should make use of my only mode of transportation.
Brilliant plan compared to walking, right? Normally it would be.
But not on garbage day.

The sidewalks are a bit narrow as is, but when everyone sets out their huge garbage bins that take up 3/4 the width of the cement, biking is a bit difficult.
I arrived to my destination eventually, and enjoyed an ice-cold Vivanno drink. Yumm. As hard as I try to work on homework, there are always a few times when I just have to listen to the conversations going on around me. People watching/listening should be one of my hobbies. Ha.

At the table just to my left, a father and his young son were playing a game of checkers. They were obviously having lots of fun and seemed to be spending good quality time together. After about twenty minutes, an elderly woman that had been sitting in the corner got up to leave. She stopped at their table and commended the father for just having fun with his son. They seemed to be having such a good time. Not something you see all that often anymore.
I was rather taken aback as I thought about this. How long has it been since spending quality fun-time with one's children became abnormal? This makes me so sad, and yet it holds a fair amount of truth. The busyness of life has taken captive so many parents, and as a result they don't see any time to invest in their children this way. My hope when I have children is to make the time whether I have it or not. Good thing that's a ways away yet. I enjoy riding my bike down narrow sidewalks by myself at the moment. Navigating around garbage cans would be a little more difficult with a kiddie-trailer hooked on the back.

Matter, Energy, and Jesus

2008-09-08T18:32:00.003-06:00

For being a Monday, today was amazing.
For being a school day, today was great.
Okay...Today was awesome.
And it's not over yet.

The day started with my chemistry class. It's not usually my favorite subject, but my awesome prof, Dr. Doo Jung Jin is a petite man with a love for science and a good if somewhat subtle sense of humor. His heart is definitely much bigger than his physical size. We discussed the other day how the universe is comprised of three things. We settled on the fact that the first two were matter and energy. When Prof Jin asked what the third was, a student in the back yelled out "Jesus!" The whole room got a good laugh out of that.

Needless to say I have absolutely been in love with my college campus. There is nothing quite like a school environment where classes start in prayer, the chapel is as meaningful and heart-felt as services at my beloved CCC back home, and I can walk up to upperclassmen and ask for prayer.
What can I say?
I've been blessed.

Play!

2008-08-31T17:13:00.002-06:00

Children!!!! They seem to find me wherever I go. For that, I am very grateful.

Just a little while ago I was sitting at my desk taking chemistry notes. Yes, I have homework even though classes don't start until Tuesday. I was thinking about all of my kiddos back home that I have been missing terribly. My roomie had opened our door to let fresh air in (my Ramen noodles were beginning to add flavor to the whole room). An elderly man that apparently knew our RA and his granddaughter walked down the hall and said hello to us through our open doorway.

Anyways, long story short, I ended up playing with the lovely seven-year-old for an hour. We played go-fish, house, and the let's-be-sisters-so-the-little-sister-gets-to-play-with-the-older-sister's-ipod game. Ha. So much fun. I have to say yet again, that God thinks of everything. He sends random people to my door to give me a playmate. Anyone else want to come pay me a visit?

College Experience: Day 3

2008-08-29T12:44:00.003-06:00

I have lived within the same forty-mile radius my entire life. Our family has ventured onto camping trips to nearby states, and even within Idaho. I have flown to Kansas by myself to visit my very best friend, and have traveled to Portland with my Grandparents once. But this is just about all that my traveling and adventuring life consists of. I was so excited when I visited Seattle last fall. But now I'm living there. And boy is it an adventure.

I have yet to actually leave the school campus on my own due to the crazy schedule entailed with orientation activities. But I have never been so thrilled in my life. To start over from scratch in a brand new place, with new friends, a new school, and a new chapter of life. The fact that my college is Christian excites me to no end. I have noticed a substantial difference between elementary and high school Christian schools, and Christian colleges. The majority of the students here actually choose to attend. The strong Christian community feel has become so evident even after two-and-a-half days. Now don't think I'm naive enough to believe that every student loves God with all their heart and is set on living for him. But for the most part, the students and faculty here are awesome. I can't explain to you in words the excitement and sheer joy I have for what God has planned for this next school year. The blessings that I have and am receiving are doubled by the prayers, love, and incredible support from all those I love back in Idaho. Thank you from the very depths of my heart. Please keep in touch! Love you all!!

I left Idaho today...

2008-08-26T22:37:00.003-06:00

and it still hasn't sunken in. The drive went by considerably fast, all things considered. It was actually a pretty enjoyable ride. I drove for about two hours of the trip, all the while blaring Veggie Tales songs (much to the dismay of my Dad)

and drinking amazing Starbucks coffee...

And of course, as soon as we pulled into town it started raining. Good thing I don't mind it too much.
Orientation starts tomorrow morning, and hopefully we'll figure out how to fit all my crap into such a small room. I'll keep you updated on the latest happenings of the beautiful Seattle!

Don't ask me

2008-08-23T23:59:00.004-06:00

There are moments when I get this feeling deep in my gut and it has nothing to do with my digestive tract. I have experienced this sensation numerous times over the past week, and even now it lingers. I get this slight ache in my stomach and a lump forms in my throat. My heart feels so large that I think my ribs are going to all snap. During these moments I sometimes wonder if I'm going to have a myocardial infarction.
I had this feeling late Monday night when I drove away under the stars and the giant full moon. As the tears began to fall it seemed that God was crying with me as the large raindrops started to fall.
I had this feeling when I stood out in the heat and said good-bye to my obnoxious mentor-turned-friend. I couldn't come up with the right words to say and climbed in the car wishing I had said more.
I had this feeling on Wednesday when one of my heroes looked me in the eye and told me she was proud of me - that she knew I would do great things with this new chapter in my life.
I had this feeling just this morning when I sat across from an amazing young woman of God and was overwhelmed by the fact that I have been able to drink coffee with her, laugh with her, and share my heart with her.
I had this feeling tonight when I was surrounded by the family that I love so dearly.
And the only description I can create that even comes close to this feeling, is overwhelming love. So many people in my life have given it freely. If it were of their own hearts, I don't think I would feel overwhelmed by their affection. But the fact that it comes through a Love that even they don't understand: that is what makes it so powerful. There have been times recently that my mind almost hurts as I try to grasp the reason I have been blessed as I have. The blessing of this Love pours on me unexpectedly. I can't hold it in. It randomly escapes through tears, a ridiculous grin, or a hug. It's a good thing that I can accept this Love without fully understanding it......because that day will never come.

Nerds are hott. So is...God?

2008-08-20T23:45:00.003-06:00

You know that love story where this quiet nerdy guy with low self-esteem falls head-over-heels in love with this pretty girl? He follows her around like a puppy dog and watches her every move. She wouldn't know him from Adam, and yet he has noted how many siblings she has, how she chews on her pen when she's nervous, and he has her license plate number memorized. Can you say obsessed? He stands next to her in the lunch line hoping to get her attention and every class they have together he tries to sit close to her. He helped her pick up her books when she dropped them in the middle of the hall, but she doesn't remember. He can even recall one day when she was walking past him and she smiled at him. He even remembers what she was wearing that day. He is that crazy about her. You don't know that story? Well now you do. I just told it to you.
No, I don't have a stalker (that I know of), and no, I am not a stalker myself. Nope. This is the picture that popped into my head while reading one of my favorite chapters, Psalms 139.
Now before you jump to conclusions about whether I was delirious at the time or got "drunk in the Holy Spirit" I can assure you that I was totally sane and I didn't read Psalms chapter 163. (get it? psalms 163? anyhoo...)
I saw this picture of myself going about my daily business with this guy following me around. He watched everything I did and knew everything about me. The guy was God. The chapter starts with,
"Oh God, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise. Your perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down. You are familiar with all my ways."
God knows every detail about me. He follows me and knows every move that I make. "Before a word is on my tongue, you know it completely oh Lord. You hem me in behind and before. You have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me. Too lofty for me to attain." I thought about the hem you sew on clothes. As a young girl learning to sew I quickly found that if you don't first make a hem, your material will come completely unravelled. God is the same way. He ties up the loose ends "behind and before". But so many times I don't even notice or give value to all that he does. He's the backstage help that doesn't get much credit.
"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there. If I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast."
Wow. If that's not a good description of a stalker I don't know what is. Just think about that for a second. He's next to me when I sleep. He's by my side when I'm sitting on the porcelain throne. There isn't anywhere that I can go where he is absent.
"If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me, and the light become night around me', even the darkness will not be dark to you. The night will shine like the day. For darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being. You knit me together in my mothers womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
And then comes the part where the girl finally notices the young laddie. She realizes how much he thinks about her and how much he does for her without getting any attention in return.
"How precious to me are your thoughts oh God! How vast is the sum of them! If I were to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you."
Then if you skip to the last couple verses they finally start to build a relationship. She wants to get to know him better and she actually cares about what he thinks and what he sees in her.
"Search me oh God, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
As I read and reread this chapter, I couldn't help but be overcome by how much God cares about me. He sits quietly beside me on the couch, just waiting for me to give him a glance. I can't help but think of all the times that I have saddened him by talking to everyone else but him. And in those moments when I set time aside just to be with him, I can almost picture him blushing, and putting his hands behind his back, flattered that I would finally sit and talk with him. No, I don't picture Jesus as nerdy (although nerds are hott) and I don't think he's easily embarrassed, but I do think he longs to spend time with his children. Yes, he even has your license plate number memorized.

I'm a big kid now!

2008-08-17T19:22:00.005-06:00

"Don't you love New York in the fall? It makes me wanna buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address."
-You've Got Mail

Now I may not live in New York, but that's beside the point. I absolutely love the start of a new school year. "Bouquets of newly sharpened pencils" sounds so picturesque, don't you agree? I can just picture in my mind a quaint little school house with a blackboard on the wall and a neat stack of books on the teacher's desk with a shiny red apple on top.
I have loved buying school supplies every year. Not only has it been three or four hours of shopping-turned-bonding time with my mom and three younger siblings, but it also resulted in many new exciting treasures. They ranged anywhere from backpacks to Pink Pearl erasers to those uber-cool mechanical pencils that come in tie-dye colors. My memory returns to the second grade when my mother personalized everything (lunch box, school box, pencil pouch, my clothes...) with fabric paint. In my second grade class picture I'm wearing an over-sized t-shirt with iron-on bunnies and fabric paint outlines. It definitely could have been worse, but it still amuses me nonetheless.
But this year, I don't need a lunch box. My school shopping list includes bedding, laundry detergent, kleenex, a coffee maker, and cool organizational boxes. It's a completely different feel. This year I'm on my own. Remember those pull-up commercials? That's me. "I'm a big kid now!"
Despite all the excitement that comes along with going to college, there is definitely a good portion of gloominess attached. My childhood is officially over. I have eight days left to "go out with a bang". All those wonderful childhood memories?...I don't get to make any more. That's it. Done. The end. El fin. "Nothin. Zilch. Nada." When adults used to tell me that becoming an adult isn't as much fun as it seems, and that I should enjoy my childhood while it lasts, I thought they were insane. But now that I'm finally here, I see that they were right. (dang it.)
So now I'm entering a new chapter; marching onward into an unknown territory. Hopefully I'll come out alright since I'm armed with strong weapons: God, a cell phone, and a french press. And this time, my things aren't decorated in brightly-colored fabric paint. I love you mom. :)

"Thank you for your patience, ma'am."

2008-08-11T21:44:00.002-06:00

It gets me every time. No matter what store I go to, no matter what city I'm in, I always pick the wrong check-out line. The answer to why I have inherited this seeming-curse has yet to be revealed to me.
Today I was in one of my favorite stores. I had one item in my hands to purchase, and I wanted to get out quickly so that I could escape to my beloved coffee house which was playing live music. I wanted to run in, purchase my item, and leave.

No such luck.

Using my logic, I picked the shortest line. There was ONE man who had ONE item: an air mattress. How long could that possibly take? So I join the line and hold my precious 7-pack of underwear (for a friend, okay? don't ask....) to my chest so as to avoid possible embarrassment. All goes well until the sales clerk asks the question that is habitually ingrained in her mind, "Would you like to save ten percent by signing up for a membership card?"
I have wondered how many people actually say yes in answer to this question. Personally, I feel like saying no just because she had the audacity to ask me. Horrible, I know. But....despite all odds, our gentleman answers in the affirmative. The clerk reaches up to turn off the light that illuminates the illustrious number three above our heads. She looks at me and says "I'm going to be a while ma'am."
I smile politely and reply, "That's okay." Being the somewhat ignorant and stubborn person that I am I convince myself that filling out a membership form couldn't possibly take more than two minutes. Oi vey.
After about two minutes I had set my purchase on the conveyor-belt-thingy. I really didn't care anymore. Nearly twenty minutes later I emerged from the store with my precious underwear.

Moral of the story: don't go into a store in a hurry. At least I shouldn't. It's just silly.

Where's the food?

2008-07-28T16:51:00.003-06:00

I have often wondered what kind of impact I will have on those in my life. What kind of legacy will I leave when I am no longer alive? What have I done to those around me to show the love of my Savior? How will people remember me? Will my life touch those around me, or will the people at my funeral only be asking one question: where's the potato salad?
Now I don't mean to make light the gravity of this topic. I'm really being serious. Never before today have I taken these thoughts so seriously. A few hours ago I attended a memorial service for the third time in my life. I am one of the rare people that has yet to experience the loss of someone close. The two previous services I have been to were for people dear to me, but not close enough to cause any real emotional damage. Even today, the person to whom almost a thousand people paid their respects was a person I barely knew: a simple acquaintance. But todays service "hit home" due to the fact that this person was only seventeen years old.
It is easy to know something in your mind, to be able to recite knowledge. But it is another thing entirely to process that information to the point of understanding. Today I finally processed the mortality of humans.
Life really is ambiguous. There is no way to know how many seconds we have left. I have known this. And yet I must regretfully say that I waste much of my time doing trivial things. How much time have I wasted watching movies, "hanging out" without doing anything productive, or even being on the computer? I doubt that when I get to heaven Jesus is going to come up to me and say, "Alexa! You watched the movie Pride and Prejudice a total of 1,213 times during your life. Well done good and faithful servant!" So what have I been doing that counts? What have you been doing? I challenge you today to find joy in the little things. Make each day as if it were to be the best and last day of your life. Don't let the sun set upon your wrath. Live with no regrets.
Make memories so that people can share for hours how they have been touched by your life. Pour God's love on those around you every chance you get. Impact every person that you encounter, and I guarantee you they will have more to think about than the potato salad at your funeral.

No.

2008-07-24T10:42:00.015-06:00

I have often wondered how old one must be to learn the art of stubbornness. In the past several weeks I have come to realize that the answer is probably a younger age than you might think. I have learned this from personal experience. Constantly I have been amazed by the various ages of children that I "supervise" if you will. They never cease to grant me new insight or reason to laugh; or become frustrated. I am amazed when a ten-month-old can show defiance. He's not old enough to walk, and yet when told "No" he looks at me, gives me that adorable grin that says "whatcha gonna do about it?" and proceeds to reach for the electrical socket. Obviously you don't need the ability to talk in order to comprehend the all-powerful two-letter negative.
But even in the slight frustration that this causes, I just have to turn away and laugh where he can't see my smile. "The little booger!" I think. After many, many, many hours spent with THOUSANDS of children (okay, maybe I'm exaggerating just a bit), I have realized even more how important it is to raise your child in the ways of God right from the womb. I find it rather disheartening that most people don't grasp this concept. Case in point.
My family and I went to a baseball game at the Hawks Stadium just last night. Two seats to my left, a girl about the age of two was with her young dad and grandparents. Whenever she didn't get what she wanted she screamed and pulled away. And how did the adults respond? They gave her what she wanted. I wanted so badly to go over to them and say "Just say no. Stay firm in your decision and don't give in when she throws a fit. Then she'll know how to manipulate you to get what she wants." But of course I didn't. I'm only eighteen, people. I should not know more about disciplining children than real parents. And in many cases I don't.
So I guess I'll be awaiting the day that I have my own children. I'll love it for the joy and happiness they bring as much as for the satisfaction of being able to say, "See how he actually listens to his mom? That's right. That's MY kid."

For the love of music

2008-07-15T12:16:00.006-06:00

I had wanted an iPod since the first day I saw one. When the kids from church were all listening to their sweet tunes on the bus up to camp, I was still in the early stages with my "SanDisk MP3 player". Even though I was taught from an early age that you're not defined by your possessions, I must admit I did not feel up to par. I needed to have an iPod.

And then it came.

The summer of 2007. Filled to overflowing with babysitting opportunities. In a matter of three weeks I had enough money. (side note: If you find that you hate your job I encourage you to try babysitting sometime. It works around your schedule, pays well, and you get good benefits of food, play time, and the occasional starbucks drink if your employers are feeling generous!) After laboring over the toilsome decision of what color to get, I finally decided on silver and then ordered my treasure from online. I was nearly ecstatic when it arrived somewhere between five and seven business days later. Ever since that time, I have had the intense pleasure of being able to take my music anywhere with me. I can take a baby for a walk in a stroller, walk around down town, or even sit at home - and I feel satisfaction as I pull my white headphones out of my pocket.
Amazing as this euphoria was, even greater were my feelings when I made the discovery of Podcasts. Whoever came up with this ingenious idea aught to receive a Nobel Peace Prize or something. As great as it may be to take my music with me wherever I go, even greater still is it to listen to Pastor Judah Smith on a walk, or Adventures In Odyssey in my car of children. It is through podcasts that I have been touched. It has been through those little white headphones that some of my greatest moments of conviction have transpired. So if I relate to you a moment of great revelation, more than likely it had something to do with my iPod.

2008-07-11T14:34:00.004-06:00

So lately I've been having difficulty making decisions about college and pretty much the rest of my life. One major hurdle that I have yet to jump is the issue of finances. Is it just me or is college totally overpriced these days? I have an urge to create a petition and send it to the president with thousands of signatures. It would tell of the need for a decent education at a price that's not astronomical. However, money is money and a petition can't change inflation and all the other economic problems. So I'll just sit here and complain. Anyone care to join?
But in all seriousness, I hope I'm not the only college student who's genuinely concerned about this issue. Less than a century ago only the wealthy, strapping males were able to continue their education. Now the majority of young people go through some kind of classes after high school. But how deceived are we that it's just another step in life? We all think that getting a student loan is the quick and only solution. But why start out your adult life with tens-of-thousands of dollars in debt? That's just stupid. So if anyone has any insight, please. Enlighten me.

The child in me...

2008-07-08T09:20:00.002-06:00

Despite the fact that I am old enough to be considered an "adult" (as long as you don't ask my parents), there are still times I feel like a toddler running around without a care in the world. A lovely lady that I babysit for, once asked me if I ever get tired of babysitting so much. The answer is a resolute "no". In fact, the answer is "heck no!". I love watching little kids because I can have authority and help "shape the minds of tomorrow" and still have fun at the same time. I get paid to play! I really don't know how I'm going to survive when I move this fall. No more babies to feed bottles and burp; no more toddlers to ask if they need to go potty only to find that they've already peed on the floor. No more little girls to play dollies with and no more boys that ask me to play star wars with them so we can have a light-saber battle. (which I won by the way, with one life to spare)

I'm quite certain that children are right below food, water and shelter on my version of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. They seem to be vital to my survival. So please keep me in your prayers. Ask God to send me many families with young children while I'm in college. Otherwise I might die of kid-deprivation. If I don't, who's gonna play with me?

2008-07-04T12:15:00.002-06:00

The fourth of July has come again. People roam the streets donning their patriotic clothing that they probably purchased at Old Navy. The grocery stores are brimming with people buying last-minute watermelons and paper plates for their annual picnics. Yet again I have to question what our country has turned this holiday into. It's all fun and it's all about the fireworks. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the thrill of setting something on fire in the middle of my street. But I can't help but feel guilty about the sparse passing thoughts I give to the true value and meaning of the day. I honestly can't say that I spend much time dwelling on the great sacrifice that so many men and women have given for the sake of our freedom. It's doesn't feel like Independence Day any more. It's just the fourth of July: a day in the middle of the summer when we don't have to work and my mom forces me to help her avidly clean the house.
So today I'm thinking about our independence not only from Great Brittain in the eighteenth century, but also the freedom given us by our father in heaven. In the words of the great Thomas Jefferson, "The God who gave us life, gave us liberty at the same time."

Joy.

2008-07-03T11:14:00.004-06:00

I can't tell you how many times I have felt like an idiot when I drive down the road with a huge grin on my face. I often find myself alone in my car when this feeling of ecstasy hits me. Sometimes it's a humorous incident of the past that comes to mind, or maybe something stupid I did which requires my good humor so I can "laugh it off" and not dwell on my complete ignorance. There are other moments when I am simply in awe of how freaking amazing my Savior is, and no matter how hard I try I can't wipe that stupid grin off my face.
The thing that bothers me though, is how I feel out of place when I smile ridiculously. I honestly don't mind playing the fool when I am justified in my joy, but why is it that so many around me seem dull and dreary? It saddens me to see the multitudes of people that don't know their purpose in life and therefore cannot understand the feeling of true joy. As a Christian, and even as a mere human, I feel I am obligated to share that which has made me smile. I find joy in the evidence of God's handiwork everywhere I look. As cliche as that may sound, I can't overstate its truth. When chasing a ten-month-old with flaming red hair around the floor yesterday, his giggles and screams of excitement made me laugh so hard my eyes were watering. Later as he fell asleep in my arms, I was overwhelmed not only by my love for him, but what God's love for him must be. Even though he's not my child, I love him dearly and am very protective of him, as with most kids I watch. How much deeper and stronger God's love for his children must be. These are the thoughts that cause me to smile and give me a desire to share that love with everyone. So I've created a new driving technique. Instead of attempting to stifle my delirious giggles as I drive, I try to make eye contact with everyone driving by. And then.... I smile at them head-on. Because I simply can't help it.

Good morning sunshine!

2008-06-23T07:57:00.002-06:00

I have always loved staying up late at night. But recently I have realized how much of a morning person I really am (Provided I get to bed at a decent hour). I love the cool morning air that feels so good after an early-morning workout. I love driving with the windows rolled down and feeling like I'm the only person awake as I drive down the nearly-empty streets. It gives me a feeling like I have a head start ahead of the rest of the world.

Some of my favorite morning things are: coffee, good music, grapefruit, the sunrise, Arthur, and Sesame Street.
But each day I wake up, I realize the frailty and scarcity of each waking hour. Every minute wasted is a minute that will never come again. So now, I'm getting off the computer. Good morning!

I like your sweater.

2008-04-13T23:53:00.002-06:00

Have you ever been so overwhelmed by all aspects of life that you can't even remember what you were thinking about five minutes previous? My mind can only take so many profound thoughts in one day. When it reaches its maximum the leftovers are forgotten. Apparently. At least, I think it does? My mind feels so full that I don't even have the capacity to contemplate sleep. That's one indication of overload - I generally love sleep. =)

I thought I might share with you some of my recent contemplations. May I?

As of late I have been doing clinicals at a rehab center. It has been an amazing experience. Contrary to what the majority of the population may think, helping geriatrics go to the bathroom and wipe their backsides is not a terrible experience. I have been humbled by my tasks and at the same time empowered at the prospect of how much I can contribute. When I see the constant pain they endure, I find great hope in the fact that I can relieve it in small ways - whether it's complimenting them on their sweater or new hair style, or just listening to them talk. However, my experiences have also been enlightening. I see first hand that we are all mortal. Life does not always have happy endings no matter what you wish. You never know for certain how much time is left and therefore you must live life to the fullest each day as if it were your last.

During this time period I have also been reminded of the frailty of human relationships. It's true that you can't judge a book by its cover. But you can't judge it by its content either. Both can be deceptive or faulty in some way. Both are easily plaigarized. Therefore you must get to know the author rather than the book they present to you. I have realized that true friends are rare indeed. They're the ones I can pour my heart to - the ones who have that connection at a deeper level - a spiritual level. But I have also learned that life includes periods of solitude. Sometimes silence is good. Maybe it's not always a bad thing that there isn't anyone to talk to. (forgive my double negative) Then I can put a lot more time into my two superior relationships: God, and my piano, Genivieve. Both need to be strengthened. God and I can always grow closer. But Genivieve - she takes a little more work. Having a meaningful conversation through black and white ivory (or acrylic) is harder than you might think. We're making progress though. We understand each other very well lately. Very well indeed...

You can't get up unless you fall down

2008-03-14T23:32:00.002-06:00

Falling down is painful. Yet as much as I try to avoid pain, sometimes that's the only way to grab my attention. You can walk down the road by yourself and not need anyone's help. But when you fall, that is when you realize how truly weak you are.

This week was a bit painful for me. I hadn't realized how far I had fallen, until I felt the pain. I have been struggling through a couple areas of life recently, but the most drastic is school. I have always been your typical "good student", and it seemed like I had the favor of all teachers, including the ones that weren't my favorite. I always took my position for granted I suppose. Well, the last few weeks something got into me and I completely slacked off. My grades began to dramatically reflect that. Multiple teachers asked if everything was alright. I know that not all students put much importance on grades. But to me, grades are as much a reflection of character as they are of studiousness. It didn't really hit me until last night when I was going through some papers and I found an extra copy of a recommendation letter written by one of my favorite teachers. As I read it, I was struck by how much I had let down the people who had come to trust and respect me. No one but me knows the entirety of the impact my high-school teachers have had and will continue to have on my life. They mean the world to me. The fact that I had possibly lost some of their trust and respect for me made me feel sick. It literally brought tears to my eyes. I had to fix this problem.

And then it hit me.

I had been trying to fix the problem on my own, and had resulted in failure. I had been ignoring the source of my strength. What am I? A mere human. Sometimes I need to be reminded.
To those who cared enough to say something, thank you so much. I think it is only in times of weakness that we notice the truly amazing people God has placed in our lives. To the ones who continued to nag me when I didn't have the motivation to do anything: thank you. To the ones who love me despite my flaws: thank you. And especially to the one who can revive my smile in the middle of a math class, because of a stupid pair of pants. Thank you. =)
But of course, even with all these people in my life, I could do nothing apart from my savior. Thank you Jesus, for picking me up when I fall.

How many?

2008-01-30T23:23:00.001-07:00

I sat in my tent. Though it was cold, the front entrance was unzipped to reveal what lay outside. It was my prized possession; practically my friend. We had been through a lot together. But alas, my white Volkswagon Vanagon had become ill. I had been driving towards the mid-west, in hopes of discovering my destiny. I was going to start a new life, meet some amazing people, and hopefully get a job. Unfortunately, old Charlie the Vanagon had something else in mind. I couldn't get him to start up again for the life of me. Maybe it was his time. Even if he was worn out, he could have at least waited until we were near civilization. As it were, I had perched my tent next to the car right where it had died; in the middle of the national forest. Flagging down a car the next morning wouldn't be too hard, but I was still quite frustrated. I didn't have much money. I certainly couldn't afford a new car. "Dang it Charlie! Why'd ya have to go and die on me now?" I said to the white hunk of metal. Apparently he had died, because he didn't reply. All I heard were the crickets. And there I sat, staring at the van through the hole in the tent.

My friend sat next to me. I had forgotten that he had come with me on this trip. He usually didn't talk to me unless I gave him my attention, so it was easy to ignore him. "Look!" I told him, shaking my finger at the vehicle. "Do you see the mess I'm in? What am I going to do now? This is ridiculous!"
I could feel his gaze and so I turned to look at him. He just stood there smiling and seemed to stifle a laugh. "You're telling me to look?" he asked. "Do you forget how smart I am? Do you forget that I've been with you on this whole entire trip? I'm pretty sure I can see what's going on. Thanks for pointing it out though." Frustrated, I turned away from him and said nothing though I knew he was right. "Come with me." he said as he grabbed my arm.
"Close your eyes."
"What? Why?"
"Just do it. Trust me."
"Fine." I consented and he lead me outside the tent. The cool air gave me goosebumps. Still holding my arm, he began to speak to me.
"You want me to look at your problems? Let me show you something. Look now."
I opened my eyes, and was greeted by the night sky sprinkled with thousands of stars. I hadn't realized earlier how bright they were tonight.
"How many stars do you see?" he asked me. "Count them."
"Funny. It's not exactly possible for me to count the stars."
Chuckling to himself, he grinned and said "That's my point. I know exactly how many stars there are. I know the name of every single one of them. And yet you tell me to look. From inside that tent there, you can't see a whole lot can you? You have a limited perspective. All you can see is that big white problem over there. But I see things from out here. I see the whole entire sky. So before you start telling me about your problems, maybe you should take a chill pill. I would hope I know what I'm doing. Haha...if not, you and all mankind are in a heap o' trouble. Haha! I crack myself up sometimes. But seriously, instead of sitting in your tent, try looking at things from out here for awhile. Change your perspective."
At that, he walked away and left me to my thoughts. I realized I had lost a lot more than a sweet car. I had lost my point of view.

I turned around and pulled my sleeping bag out of the tent. Tonight I would sleep under the stars.

A B C D E F T...

2007-12-26T23:24:00.000-07:00

Life is amazing. Sure there are hard times. Friends come and go, trying circumstances can wear me down, but still life goes on. I love being amazed by the little things. I couldn't help but laugh when I was driving with a two-year-old in the back seat tonight. She burst into song singing the ABC's, only about half which I could understand. But most distinct were her O's. "H, I, J, K, O O O O P." After singing with her once, she insisted we repeat the song until we arrived at our destination.

Many times I catch myself complaining about unimportant things. Sometimes it takes me awhile to realize that I give too much value to fickle things. Then God nudges me with a hint of true joy and shows me that I have everything I need to sing. And with that joy, I could sing the ABC's all day long; cause I have my True Love. And that's all I will ever need.

I have a dream...

2007-12-17T22:08:00.002-07:00

This picture encapsulates my dream. This is my heart's desire. Not to become president, not to be a world-class pianist, not to become a millionaire. - No. My dream is to bring laughter. To go where no one else will go; to help the forgotten people that are struggling through life. I want to bring joy where there is none. I want to give life where there is only death. I will share with them my life song, so that they can sing with me.

My goal in life: to spread smiles and laughter until everyone has caught the disease of true joy.

christmas trees? nah.

2007-12-08T00:52:00.001-07:00

It's December. The month of holiday celebration. Christmas! Our house doesn't smell like it though, because we have yet to get a Christmas tree. I love the smell of them....

Every-other house is adorned in bright lights. Fred Meyer smells of scented pine cones and fir trees. The store entrance always greets me with the ringing of a bell next to a small red bucket. Children write their letters to Santa, assuring that he knows of their good behavior. The eggnog has been released for my enjoyment once again.

Despite all this, I can't help but acknowledge this feeling of a lack of Christmas. When I was little I used to make a Christmas list of everything I wanted and wished for. But I can't bring myself to do that when I see homeless people on the side of the street. Seeing that bell-ringer makes me think twice about spending three dollars on a Starbucks drink. The holiday spirit that is contained in a store - that is not Christmas. It never really "feels" like Christmas. No green tree with a wonderful aroma - no iPod under the tree - no Christmas-carol singing will ever give you that warm and fuzzy feeling.

Who am I to ask for trivial, meaningless things when there are people struggling to survive? How could I be so self-centered as to spend my money, time, and effort on fleeting things? Instead, I will choose to use that which has blessed me to bless others.

For me, the only time it's truly Christmas, is in the silence. When I see what I have, what others don't have, and I do something about it. When I lend a helping hand in secret - when I slip a note of encouragement to the person who's having a bad day. When I sit in the secret place, and my heart overflows with gratitude for my Savior. For the gift he has given me is Christmas.

I don't need no stinkin' Christmas tree.

You are my sunshine...

2007-11-10T00:09:00.000-07:00

"Here. Hold the marble up to the light and look through it", said the boy. I took it from his hand and obeyed. The designs of the glass were radiant as the light came through. "Ooh", I said, "Very nice." The six-year-old looked at me and stated as a matter-of-fact, "It looks like God."
I am constantly amazed by the innocence and simplicity of a young child's mind. Without the stress of the world, they can live a fairly simple life. Nothing fills me with joy quite like a child does. When a two-year-old girl tells me I'm "a nice girl" and then gives me a hug, my heart overflows with gratitude. Giggling and wrestling with three little kids makes me happier than Starbucks, live music, and Josh Groban put together. =) Winning a hug from a shy and reserved toddler gives me a bigger sense of accomplishment than any skill I acquire. My heart fills with joy as I sing "You are My Sunshine" with a little girl.
Now I understand why Jesus said we must become like little children. What would life be like without joy? Few people know how to find it in the midst of trouble. If you're ever feeling stressed, become like a child. Laugh when you fall down, and smile at the world.

happily ever after

2007-11-09T23:44:00.000-07:00

She needed a shoulder to cry on. She had forgotten that He had promised to wipe away her tears.
Her heart weighed heavy with loneliness. She didn't realize that she was never alone.

She searched for true love, and then discovered she already had it.
She watched for the one for her, only to realize that He had found her before she was born.

Why search for Prince Charming when you know the King?
Why look for temporary satisfaction when you are eternally loved?

I don't know about you, but I don't need a prince to live happily ever after.
I am loved by the King.

2007-11-05T16:08:00.000-07:00

Yet again, I am amazed by life. I find myself overwhelmed by the joy I can find in the little things. Each day I learn something new. I have been taught so much the past year, whether by people or by situations, that I feel like I can't absorb any more. Yet I know I haven't even scratched the surface of all I can learn.

Just the past few weeks I have experienced first hand what it feels like to force yourself to do something you never wanted to do. My entire body was terrified. Yet instead of convincing myself why I shouldn't do it, I just did it. And it wasn't that bad after all. I have come to realize that fear is all in your head. And while there may be logical reasons for fear, the majority of it is psychosomatic. I've had the epiphany that it's okay to be uncomfortable and that there's nothing wrong with failing.

It has occurred to me that some people in your life will bring you down, and all you can do is keep going. Not everyone in your life will like you, and not everyone will understand who you really are. Those who really know you will challenge you in your weaknesses, and not just praise you for your strengths. Those are the ones who make the greatest impact. I am so grateful for those people in my life - the ones who push me further than I ever wanted to go and beyond. But most of all I am grateful for my Savior and all he has done. Nothing I ever say could be enough to describe the depth of my love. "I love you endlessly..."

a cause

2007-10-12T15:32:00.000-06:00

Wow. Today our school had a last-minute assembly. The speaker was Dr. Ashis Brahma. He's a doctor at a refugee camp in Chad. For a while he was the only doctor in the camp of 27,000 people. He talked about what it was like to practice medicine in the middle of the desert.

Never before have I felt so convicted to act. I have never felt so bothered by the fact that I can come home in the middle of a storm and be warm and dry... and not be grateful. I am fully realizing how many things I truly take for granted. When I think about the things that I complain about - too much homework - not being allowed to go drink coffee with my friends? Are you kidding me? How absolutely ridiculous is that? I could be one of the women in Africa that constantly worry about diseases, murder, rape, and even where their next meal will come from.

One thing that frustrates me though, is my lack of knowledge on how to help. The whole idea of the injustice that takes place to innocent people all over the world seems so huge. It's such a demanding and ambiguous task, that it seems impossible. It's really hard to get over the mindset that I'm just a drop in the vast ocean. However, what makes up the ocean? Drops of water.

So here I go. I may not feel like my actions make much impact, but they can do nothing but help propel us all in the right direction. I will try with all my might to assist where help is needed - to address a problem when it arises. I'm changing my perspective. And I implore of you - next time you find yourself complaining because you didn't get your venti caramel macchiato - pause a moment and evaluate your circumstances. It could be worse.

DaDeeDa

2007-09-22T00:05:00.000-06:00

Music.
Hmm... what is in a name?
For that which we call a song
by any other name would sound as lovely.
What is in a song?
Why are millions of people compelled
to write their stories on notes rather than paper?
How is it that emotion is more easily portrayed
and love more delicately felt,
through melodies rather than paragraphs?

Perhaps it is the result of a life
controlled by feeling.
We live by how we feel
and songs often reach further than commonplace language.

Whatever the cause may be,
music touches me deeper than anything else.
If you want me to hear you best,
sing to me.
Play for me.
For through melodies and harmonies
My heart listens.
And if you play or sing just the right thing,
if you listen closely you might hear my soul -
singing along.

Things

2007-09-15T23:01:00.001-06:00

Life is so diverse and complex. It's never just one thing. I can never say life is bad, because it's exciting, educational and amazing at the same time. I can never say life is simple, because it's confusing and breathtaking too. Oh to wrap it all into one word. All I can call it is: life.

These years of transition into adulthood have been anything but easy or simple, but I would have it no other way. I love my life because it is so insane sometimes.

Some of its many facets are formed by the people in my life. Everyone I know adds value to my journey. Some lead by example how to live an upright life. Others show me how I will choose not to live. So thank you. All of you. If you know me, you have affected me. For those of you that have known me for many years, thank you for all you have done for me. You have blessed me beyond measure. To those of you who have yet to really know me, thank you for your kind words.

a walk

2007-08-12T00:33:00.000-06:00

The man walked down the road with a small hand inside of his. "Where are we going?", the little girl's sweet voice asked. The man smiled and replied, "Wait and see."
They continued to walk. "When will we get there?", she inquired again. The man laughed, and with warmth in his voice replied, "When the time is right." They continued walking.
For years they walked together. The girl grew older. Eventually, the now-young woman got tired of holding the man's hand. She slowly loosened her grip. "I want to walk by myself for a little bit." she told him. She could see the hurt in his eyes, but he simply said, "I'll be here." She felt a pang of guilt, but she didn't need to hold his hand all the time. Just a little freedom would be good. She began walking quickly. The walk soon broke into a run. It felt so good! After just a few minutes, she was breathing heavily and came to a halt. Smiling to herself and remembering the man, she decided to be courteous and hold his hand again. However, when she turned around to look back, he was not there. "Where did you go?" she shouted. She ran back the way she had come, but there was no sign of him. "You left? How could you leave me?!" She yelled aimlessly at the sky. Her vision blurred from the hot tears that began to form. "You've always been here! Why is it that when I walk ahead, you abandon me? Are you even real?!" Falling to her knees, she wept. Her shouts now turned to hoarse whispers. "You said you'd be there. Maybe you weren't ever there at all."
She continued to cry. Feeling frustrated, lonely, and powerless, she placed her face in her hands. Then a gentle hand rested on her shoulder. When she turned to look, there stood a little girl. With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl asked, "Why are you crying?" The woman looked at the little girl and sadly stated, "I can't find God. He left me." She turned away from the girl, hoping to be left alone with her tears. However, instead of leaving, the girl let out a giggle. Surprised, the woman turned back to her. The little girl gazed at her. "He didn't leave you silly", she smiled. "he's always with you. I can see him in your heart." The woman looked down at her shirt. She saw nothing. The girl continued, "And look around you! Can't you hear the birds singing their songs? Do you see these ginormous trees?" she stretched her small arms for emphasis. "They didn't got here all by themselves. They needed help like me. He's in my heart too. Can't you see him?" the girl looked at her expectantly. The woman carefully studied the little girl. Her soft brown hair was pulled back in pigtails. Her pink sun dress had stains on the front from her last meal. She saw nothing out of the ordinary. But then she looked into the little girl's dark eyes. What she saw there fell on her like a crashing wave. It was the same unfailing, reassuring love that had always been in the man's eyes. It was unmistakable. "Yes." she whispered. "I see him." This time, the tears that flowed were tears of gratitude.
"I told you!" the little girl smiled. "But I need to go now. See ya later!" The little girl turned to leave. "Wait!" the woman said. The girl turned back around, waiting. "Can I walk with you?" she asked the girl. With a wide grin and a missing front tooth, the child replied "of course!" The woman clasped the small hand in hers, and together, the three of them walked down the road.

the world

2007-08-05T22:37:00.000-06:00

Who am I to be selfish as I am?
What have I done to deserve anything good? I'll tell you what I've done: nothing. Nothing I could ever do would earn what God has freely given.
Yet, as he has bestowed these gifts upon me, I take them and use them for myself. How useless is a gift that is not shared? With all that I have, how dare I keep it to myself? I hear myself say, "Thank you Lord for all you have given me", and I fail to see that he has given it to those around me as well.

He has given me his love, so that I might love even the most annoying people. He has given me life, so that I can share its wonders with those who have no purpose. He has given me joy that I may share it with those in despair. He has forgiven me so that I may show mercy. He has protected me so that I might comfort the helpless. He has put a smile on my face, so that I may spread it to those in my life.

He has loved me with an everlasting love. How could I do any less than to share it with the world?

Shine

2007-07-31T00:14:00.000-06:00

I live a very blessed life.
Those who know me understand what a wonderful family I have, and I hope that my friends all know how amazing they are. But just recently, someone very close to me pointed out the fact that my life is not perfect. It only seems that the faults tend to hide themselves from my view, and the views of those around me.
For a long time, I have been very thankful for my blessings. Many times I have been overwhelmed by how amazing my life is, and by how much worse it could be. However, I never took the time to point out the blemishes of life, and try to wash them out. My question is, should one simply be happy with the good things in life? Are we to be optimistic in all things we approach? Or should we purposely seek out the things that are misshapen in our lives, and attempt to right them? For certain, if one dwells too much on all things ugly, they will become ugly themselves. How though, shall we ever reach improvements in our thinking and in our living, if we don't first seek what needs to be fixed?
What is my solution you ask? Ah! Good question. Thank you for asking. I propose that we never lose sight of the great things in life. Don't ever forget the kindness that one person showed to you. Never lose the memory of a lesson learned from a beloved teacher. Be thankful for all things good, and as you think about the good things, aspire that they should become great. As you think on the great things, imagine how they might become superb. And if by chance, you fall to thinking about a bad thing, look to the stars. Notice how the darkness makes them shine even brighter.

Holla to the women

2007-07-29T23:23:00.000-06:00

For all those women who understand what it's like to have too many hormones in your body at once:

I currently feel really random. It's eleven-thirty at night, and I have to get up early in the morning. However, I took a two-and-a-half hour nap this afternoon. Who needs sleep anyways when you can drink coffee? Really... And my emotions are pretty much all over the place. I really feel like a hug. Anyone want to drive to my house right now and give me one? Actually, do you know what would be even better? Cuddling with one of my girl-friends and watching a movie. I really could go for a good romantic chick-flick. One that makes you cry your eyes out. Obviously, I must be weird since I feel obligated to write about all this on my blog.

Anyways, now that I got all that off my chest, maybe I should go to bed...

Maybe?

Nah. Who needs sleep?

I'll go find a romantic novel to read or something...

Where you are

2007-07-28T17:37:00.000-06:00

Oh that I could tell of all you've done for me. If only I had words that would suffice to describe your love. If only I could show others how infinitely amazing you are. But no words can ever tell of your unfailing love. No song I could sing, no poem I could write would ever be worthy enough to sum up your greatness. There is nothing I can give to compare with your love. So, I will give you the only thing that I can; my life.

Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek your face
Lord all I am is yours.

My whole life I place in your hands
God of mercy, humbled, I bow down
In your presence at your throne.

I called and you answered
and you came to my rescue
and I want to be where you are

This song echoes the cry in my heart. Thank you Lord, for rescuing me. The only place I ever want to be is where you are. May you be lifted high. May everything in my life be a form of worship. How could I give you any less than all of me?

Endlessly - an amazing song

2007-07-28T17:27:00.000-06:00

Savior of my soul, Lover of my life
I love you endlessly.
Passion of my heart, Everything you are
I love you endlessly.

You loved me before I knew of you.
You loved me, now I give it back to you

With your majesty here
I fall to my knees
I love you endlessly
With the beauty of your son
I find myself undone.
I love you endlessly

Power in a white tent

2007-06-16T23:28:00.000-06:00

Mosquitoes, crazy games, amazing worship, a big white tent, and changed lives; this is camp.

It has been the highlight of my summer for the past eight years, and yet I am always suprised. I am always blown away by how incredible God is. I am always touched by a refreshing wave of his love. Even though I have known it for years, I am again dumbfounded as to why my God would love me.

Can I tell you about it?
My God has forgiven me for all of my mistakes. He died for my sins, and loves me despite my faults. He gives me the boldness of a lion when I have no courage. He makes my heart overflow with love when I have no more room. When people may fail, he is there. When no one else would understand, he is there to listen. When I am broken, he is my healer. When I am lonely, he is my best friend. When I am empty, he is my portion. He is all I ever need. He is the reason I breathe - the reason I live. He is my lover, my friend, my savior, my joy.

When I came home from camp, my grandpa jokingly asked me if I had found a boyfriend. No, I didn't, but I did fall in love.

"Oh God, you are my God.
Earnestly I seek you.
My soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods.
With singing lips my mouth will praise you."
-Psalm 63

Thank you Lord for your unfailing love. Thank you that your Spirit is everywhere. Thank you that I can be anywhere and be touched by your presence. Thank you for coming and speaking to me in a large white tent in the middle of nowhere.
I have true love.

Insight

2007-06-07T16:06:00.000-06:00

Well, it's a new season. Summer is here. This past school year flew by so fast. And it was amazing.

Never in my past school experience have I learned so much. Sure I learned alot from the class material that my teachers taught, but half of what I learned wasn't in the curriculum. I learned so much that I could never tell you all of it.

By observing those I respect, I gained much wisdom. I learned that even the most amazing people make mistakes. I realized how many amazing people are in my life.

By observing those that I don't respect, I gained more patience. I was able to extend my love to those I didn't really want to love. I realized that it's okay if some people think I'm stupid; they don't really know me. I learned that popularity has always been a matter of opinion.

I learned so many lessons in each and every class. Many times I gained more insight from a conversation during lunch than I did during a lecture.

I realized that a simple smile can mean a thousand words;
that your eyes can give away all you are trying to hide;
that some people have far more wisdom than they let on;
that some people are less wise than they would hope;
that good music can make a bad day better;
that sarcasm is far too overused;
that good teachers challenge you to step out of your comfort zone;
that some people that teach me things are not real teachers at all;
that attitude is infectious;
that a very limited amount of people are honest about their feelings;
that life goes on despite various hardships.

I have become a different person. Those around me have influenced me in amazing ways. In short, I love school with a passion.
As much as I love summer break, this summer could be quite dull.

2007-06-02T22:31:00.000-06:00

"If only you could sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person." -Mr. Rogers

Smile

2007-05-19T09:49:00.000-06:00

I woke up this morning with the smell of bacon and eggs drifting through the cracks of my bedroom door. Not much else could make me get up at nine o'clock on a Saturday morning.
My nose was also greeted with the smell of the fresh morning dew. Apparently the windows had been opened. It was the smell of an early morning just waking up.

And as I sit here, eating my delicious eggs and bacon, taking in the smells of a fresh spring morning, listening to the birds outside, and the newfound love of my music life (Jack Johnson), I am overflowing.

I am overflowing with a calm happiness. My joy has been made full. I have been amazingly and abundantly blessed.

God has placed some incredible people in my life. I knew right away how awesome some of them were. But others took awhile before I really got to know them, and realized how big of an impact they had had on my life.

And as I sit here, I realize I love my life right now. I have found a comfortable place of perfection. But in the next year, I will have to change and start over. I'll go off to college. I will leave my friends, my mentors, my family, and my heroes. I have become incredibly attached to many people the past few years. And when that last day comes, I will cry like there is no tomorrow. On that Saturday in June next year, as I walk down the aisle, and wear my cap and gown, I will be scared out of my wits. I have found comfort in my school, my teachers, my peers, my family. I like comfort. But one cannot stay comfortable and continue to grow. If I want to continue becoming the person God has created me to be, I must be willing to step out of my comfort zone.

So I must make the most of the time I have left with these people that I love. I must choose every word with the utmost care. I will smile, and share with them my joy. And as the end of this chapter of my life begins to close, I can do nothing less than tell them how they have helped write it. I will show them how they have added to my overflowing joy. I will show them the amazing ways that God has used them to make me a better person. I might see them quite often after my new life begins, but some I may not see ever again. That is the part that threatens to crush my joy. But I won't let it.

This joy is too real. It is too amazing, too lovely to let anything smother it. So I will dwell on these amazing blessings, and will be enormously happy that I have been given them, even if for a short time. And with each smile that I offer, I will attempt to spread my joy. May it be an infectious disease. May it pour onto those around me - those that I love. Because my heart is overflowing with nothing... but joy.

A reason to succeed

2007-05-09T21:17:00.000-06:00

To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

I don't want to die

2007-05-05T19:43:00.000-06:00

Whoever said that death has to be physical? It can be spiritual; emotional

Whoever said that breathing made you full of life? I have seen many people that are sucking air, but are empty - devoid of purpose.

I am alive. But am I truly living in my fullest potential? I want to be strong in all that I do. I want to go to bed every night knowing that I lived fully.

It's so easy to let monotonous routines consume your purpose. It takes less effort to get up each day, and live just for the sake of living. Before you know it, you walked through your whole day, and did a whole lot without accomplishing much of anything. But what about purpose? Where does it fit in? If you don't make it a priority, everything else will smother it. Be purposeful. Don't let yourself die.

I want to live.

2007-04-22T16:40:00.000-06:00

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Friend

2007-04-20T17:26:00.001-06:00

What is a friend? Who is a friend? Someone who you respect; Someone who receives love and loves in return; Someone who listens, and trusts you to listen; Someone who knows when to be silly, and when to be serious. A friend is someone who I can tell my strengths and weaknesses.

I have a friend who knows me very well. I can tell her anything. She gives me good advice, and will love me unconditionally. She is my hero.

I have a friend who doesn't know he is my friend. He encourages me and builds me up in my life and in my faith. His stories and life lessons give me many things to think about. He challenges me. I admire him, respect him, and love him as a dear friend. He may never know the impact he has had on my life. His name is ... a secret.

I have this one other friend. He has given me so much. My heart belongs to him. I will live for him eternally, and will never cease to be amazed by him. He listens to me whenever I need to pour out my heart. He speaks to me when I need advice. He loves me despite my mistakes and faults. I can bring him my troubles and he will wipe away my tears. I can laugh with him. He gives me joy. He fills me with purpose. He will never leave me. He is my very best friend. He is my Savior. He is my love.

Wait.

2007-04-20T17:20:00.000-06:00

I will wait for you there
Down on my knees where I met you
Give you all of my cares
Find a grace to hold onto now
I'm calling for you

I will wait for you there
Far from the world and its violence
It left me broken and bare
I need to hear you in the silence now
I'm calling for you

And with outstretched arms
I will sing out melodies.
And my beating heart
will pour out a symphony.
Hallelujahs in the morning
Hallelujahs in the night
I will wait for you as long as I have life.

I will wait for you there
Down on my knees where I met you
Cause life is a war fought with tears
But you are the strength I hold onto now
I'm calling for you...